OAKLAND – Screwball goof-off and noted oafish time traveler Dan Nooney is unable to shake the feeling this week that he might just be responsible for Donald Trump’s rise to the top of the Republican party.
“I do a lot of time traveling, but I’m pretty clumsy,” Nooney said. “I stepped on a ton of lizard eggs from the Mesozoic Era a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t figure out the jet propulsion vehicles in 2074, so I drove mine straight into a pretty sizable crowd of people. I got back to 2016 before I could even assess the damage.”
Nooney’s hapless misadventures started innocently enough when he went to pick up a friend from his job at Time Tech Labs. “I was waiting in what I thought was the break room, just sorta poking around,” Nooney said. “I guess what I coulda sworn was a coffee pot ended up being some sorta gosh darned time travel doohickey. It’s my own fault I reckon. Professor Bejai said not to touch that darned thing, and wouldn’t you know it, I went and touched it.”
While some might think suddenly being thrown through time would be scary, according to Nooney, it was actually pretty fun. “I got to meet Jesus and he was neat, then next thing I know, I’m part of the French royal court in the 16th century and I’m ordering someone to the guillotine.”
“One day I went in Dan Nooney, but I came out Terry Borkin for a while and I was apparently having an affair with a local cult leader’s wife. That was my favorite moment so far.”
Nooney also thinks it’s possible his chance encounter with Trump in 2014 in which he told the billionaire “You’d make a good president” could have something to do with it.
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