CHICAGO – Following a string of criminal admissions during a stream-of-conscious, free-flowing bit, a local improvisational comedian has been formally charged with conspiracy to engage in domestic terrorism and treason.
Jeff Daugherty, 28, is also being held on suspicion of arson, armed robbery, corporate espionage and regicide.
“I originally pulled him over for a broken taillight,” said arresting officer Matthew Geary. “And when I told him that he said, ‘Oh, so it’s not ‘cause this is a stolen car? Or the bodies in the trunk? Great!’”
Though Daugherty’s car contained no corpses and was found to be fully registered to him, Geary still opted to detain him for questioning. While in police custody, Daugherty admitted to numerous crimes, including “being O.J. Simpson’s backup getaway driver,” “framing Fatty Arbuckle” and “keeping a bunch of spare faces” in his closet.
But it was Daugherty’s detailed, intricate plan to commit domestic terrorism that was of chief concern to officers. These plans involved “blowing up the Internet,” “dousing the whole country in gasoline and buying everyone really nice candles” and “opening the NRA’s secret weapons vault.”
“A lot of suspects you really have to push to get anything out of them,” said CPD detective Melissa Holbrook. “But with this guy all it took were a couple suggestions and he was off and running. It was something to see.”
“He kind of got us all into it by the end,” Holbrook added. “I never thought I could do the Harold [a structure used in long-form improvisational theatre].”
Despite the charges, Daugherty is reportedly in good spirits, with sources claiming he’s begun an elongated bit on prison food and how “orange being the new black” makes all colors meaningless.
Reached for comment on the Daugherty case, Chicago police superintendent John McGrath stated, “We know he’s not guilty. But I’ll do whatever I can to get another one of these improv sickos off the streets.”
