BREAKING NEWS: Confirming reports initially leaked late last night, NASA has stated that the famed “face on Mars” has been consuming every Mars probe sent to the planet since 1971.
“The time for transparency is now,” NASA administrator Charles Bolden stated. “There were suspicions since Mars 2 and we were finally able to confirm with Sojourner in 1997. So we’ve been sitting on this a while, but let it be known: The face on Mars is an insatiable spacebeast.”
Though all seven rovers sent to the Martian surface have been devoured by the face on Mars, NASA has stated the exact timeline of events is hazy.
“Some of them were eaten after a few months or years, and others right away,” Bolden said. “We kept up appearances and reran footage in certain instances, but, yeah, they’re gone. They’re all gone.”
As to the exact nature of the face on Mars, scientists are still debating. “A common theory is it’s a deposed deity merged with the Martian landscape as punishment,” said NASA scientist John Grunsfeld. “Other people think the planet itself is sentient, or the face is a physical representation of all the Martian souls that died out billions of years ago. We just don’t know.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, though. It’s fuckin’ creepy,” Grunsfeld added.
In regards to future rover missions, NASA remains unsure, but stated it was keeping all options open. The agency also confirmed that in May of this year the word “MORE” appeared below the face for a period of three weeks before suddenly vanishing.
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