A brand-new season of exciting NFL football is here! Well, you’ll find the exciting football action after the thousands of hours of commercials. And after all of the standing around between plays. And, of course, after the millions of hours of replay reviews.
But after all of that, you’re going to experience MINUTES of extreme football excitement all the way until February! So to get you sufficiently pumped up to lose all of your Sundays for the rest of the year, here are 27 surefire predictions for the 2015 NFL season:
- Tom Brady’s early return sets Q4 sales records in UGG boots unseen since the mid-2000’s.
- The XFL will return from Earth Prime to do battle with NFL players to determine the one true league.
- Eli Manning’s face will finally stick like that.
- Roger Goodell will remove his mask and turn out to actually be 319 hamsters attempting to work together.
- Under mounting public pressure, Roger Goodell finally bans O.J. Simpson from playing in the NFL for life.
- Johnny Manziel will be suspended a game for being late to practice, because he “lost track of time at home with my cats, a big mug of chamomile and a great book about colonial architecture.”
- The league changes its name to the National Throwball League.
- The MVP of Puppy Bowl XII is presented with a new Ford F-150 truck, which he promptly urinates in.
- Arian Foster will shock everyone by only suffering five injuries this season.
- Peyton Manning’s last remaining neck nerve will renegotiate its contract for $29.5 million.
- Air Bud catches 93 passes for 1,356 yards and eight touchdowns.
- In Week 13, it is revealed that the Browns have been playing with a team comprised of Muppets on top of each others’ shoulders trying to impersonate real people.
- The Jacksonville Jaguars spend most of the season having to convince the teams on their schedule that they are, in fact, still a team in the NFL.
- In a rain-soaked game, corporate cyborg Russell Wilson malfunctions and implodes, unable to recalibrate his system without Recovery Water.
- Everyone suddenly realizes that fantasy football makes you less interesting as a person and 15 million accounts are deleted.
- The league will require teams to raise ticket prices 500% and all fans to be violently slapped in the face before entering any games this season and will see attendance increase.
- Aaron Rodgers will be chosen for the Pro Bowl, but will decline the invitation due to playing in the Super Bowl. “I volunteer as tribute!” cries Tim Tebow.
- Peyton Manning will finally try Papa John’s pizza and immediately die from shame when he realizes how awful it truly is.
- Tom Brady will be listed as “questionable” for heaven, even though everyone knows he’ll totally be there.
- James Harrison announces he will spend his retirement hunting down parents who dare give their children sports participation trophies.
- Bill Belichick will be tearfully reunited with his sweatshirt sleeves on Maury.
- The NFL announces plans to expand with much more exciting No Helmets League.
- The Super Bowl halftime show’s “Stars on Ice: A Tribute to Cole Porter” is not as well-received as expected.
- J.J. Watt realizes early on that he needs to do everything for the Texans and uses Brian Hoyer as a blocker, Nelson Muntz-style.
- Fans will actually start giving a shit about all the things they hate about the NFL and stop spending thousands of dollars on a league whose morals don’t exist. Just kidding.
- The Dawg Pound is put to sleep after a long illness. The Baha Men reunite to play a surprisingly touching “Who Let the Dogs Out” dirge at the funeral.
- It turns out that all the coaches are actually lizard people.