I get a lot of mail. Besides the marriage proposals and demands for what amounts to a bone sesh with yours truly, there is one type of letter I receive all the time. Over and over, I’m asked the same question: “What do I do if I think my significant other is cheating on me?”
Well, I’ll give you the good news. You aren’t paranoid. If you’re to the point of thinking that your SO is cheating on you, they probably are. No need to go through their cell phone, Facebook or other personal belongings because all it will do is affirm what I’m telling you.
That amazing coworker your partner won’t stop talking about? They’re totally banging. The boss that keeps holding a raise above their head? One hundred percent bumping uglies. A long-lost cousin that comes in to town even though you’re pretty sure your SO’s parents are both only children? What they’ve done is illegal in almost all states.
At this point, you should do anything you can to stay occupied. Definitely do not dwell on thoughts of the person you shared a bed with just hours ago, entwined with another being, passionately making a kind of love you’ve never known and are pretty sure no human has ever been able to achieve previously. Your SO is busy in the sack; you need to get busy outside of it.
Some of you will turn to anonymous sex, and to that I say, “You know where to find me.” Others will eat their way through the pain. For them, I’ve provided a map of all the Cici’s Pizza restaurants in the country (To my readers in the Upper Northwest – you will need to find another chain pizza buffet, sorry). Still, others will find something else to fill the human-shaped void in their heart. Godspeed to them.
Your relationship is over and you’re not getting any younger. Remember that.
Keep those fan letters coming!