Mike Pence Beats ‘Demonic’ Birthday Party Magician to Death With Bible

Bloody Floor

WASHINGTON – Mike Pence’s 58th birthday party ended in a gruesome scene this week as party magician Daniel Schamberg was beaten to death by the vice president for “consorting with the devil.”

Vice Presidential Press Secretary Marc Lotter said the tragedy was an unfortunate mix-up.“When planning the event with Party 4U! we specifically requested wholesome entertainment and a sundae bar. While the sundae bar lived up to expectations, their definition of wholesome did not.”

The whole event was captured on camera phone video. Schamberg, performing under the name “The Great Mentallo,” started with traditional magic tricks to warm up the crowd – which included several children – before moving into close-up hand magic. When he made a twenty-dollar bill seemingly vanish, Vice President Pence lost control of his emotions. Stepping over Barron Trump, the Vice President screamed out, calling Mr. Schamberg “an abomination before God” and “a demon straight from hell,” swinging his family Bible upward and striking Daniel under his chin.

The vice president, who calls himself “a Christian before a politician,” then stood over the felled magician, bringing his well-worn family copy of the word of God down upon him over and over.

“He was speaking in tongues part of the time,” said Party 4U! caterer Jessica Primrose. “He was accusing Daniel of having carnal relations with Satan, dancing with witches, and watching R-rated movies.” Primrose could not attest to the vice president’s mood prior to the incident as she was not allowed to speak or make eye contact with Pence when he came to the sundae station, per her contract.

After the beating stopped, the video shows an invigorated, blood-covered Pence standing behind the late magician’s performance cloth and triumphantly holding a blood-soaked twenty-dollar bill high for the applauding crowd to see. Pence then hands the bill back to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin saying, “Try not to lose it next time.”

Vice President Pence is not expected to face any charges from the attack, based upon his claim that to do so would be a violation of his religious rights.



Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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