WASHINGTON – Pluto released a statement today pleading for privacy and calm from the media after NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft’s recent photo frenzy flyby caught pictures of the planet with its figurative pants down.
“I’m asking for privacy as I collect and figure out my life,” said Pluto in a written statement. “I was not ready to receive the attention that I’m currently receiving, nor was I asked. The least NASA could have done was warn me. They had ten years.”
NASA and the U.S. Administration consider the New Horizons spacecraft, which has now taken pictures of one of the furthest objects in our Solar System, a massive success. It is a pinnacle of modern technology.
“The last time Pluto was in the news, when there was all that hubbub over it being downgraded from a full planet to a lowly dwarf planet, really took a toll on its ego,” said Neptune, the closest source we could find to Pluto. “For years, Pluto was in the Planet Pack, and we had to kick it out. It had no one to turn to. It could have joined up with Eris, Ceres, Haumea or any of the others, but they just don’t have the planetpower that a Venus or Jupiter has. It’s like when Pete Rose does those Skechers commercials. You can’t feel anything other than deep sadness.”
Those that know Pluto well say that it has let itself go, becoming cracked, barren and downright ugly in its latest years.
“I have only recently begun to pick up the pieces of my life and accept that I will always be a dwarf planet. This newfound publicity is not good for my well-being. Please respect that,” Pluto’s statement continued.
One source at NASA was quick to point out the apparent hypocrisy in Pluto’s statement. “If Pluto didn’t want the attention, why would it be where we plotted it would be ten years ago?” the source said. “Just avoid the public eye and you won’t have anything to worry about.”
Pluto’s orbital path could not be reached for comment.
