(Retrieved from the U.S. Patent Office Archives — File 84-119L, “Longfellow, R.”)
H.J. Heinz Company
600 Grant Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15219
Attn: Research & Development
June 1, 1984
Esteemed Lords of All Things Luscious and Crimson,
First off, allow me to say that Heinz Ketchup has been a staple of the Longfellow pantry for as long as I can remember. It was the staunch anchor of a holy trinity that included Hellmann’s Mayonnaise and Gulden’s Spicy Brown Mustard.
My mother took pride in serving what she called “the slowest ketchup in the world.” When Carly Simon sang about it, she cried. So yes, I’m writing as a lifelong loyalist—and also as a man in possession of a small but important improvement.
Your new squeezable plastic bottle is a marvel of modern living. No more banging on glass or waiting for gravity to do its job. But it has introduced an unfortunate side effect.
Every man in America knows the sound: a sudden wet sploosh that erupts when trapped air meets ketchup. It’s identical—down to tone and rhythm—to what sometimes occurs during certain marital maneuvers. I’ll just come out and say it: I’ve heard it called the “queef bottle.” Those are their words, not mine. I acknowledge that it’s a perfectly normal bodily expulsion, and I cast no aspersions, but this sort of thing is not conducive to a premium meal experience.
Far be it from me to tell you how to run your business.
That said, in the spirit of preserving your good name, I’ve designed a corrective.
The Invention
The principle is simple: air causes the noise. Remove or slow the air, you remove the shame.
My design introduces a double chamber in the cap—a sort of “whisper room” for air. When the bottle is squeezed, the ketchup passes through the main spout, while the air slips off to the side through a tiny spiral channel I carved with a nail and some glue. The two streams never collide. No air burp, no slurp, no splash. Just a clean, steady stream—smooth as Sunday gravy.
In technical parlance (which I only partly understand, gleaned from the local library’s microfilm), it’s an aerodynamic equalization vent that allows for non-turbulent release. I’ve tested it repeatedly—indoors and at a picnic—and it works under all known atmospheric conditions. My neighbor said she didn’t hear a thing, and she was standing at just three feet away.
If requested, I can provide drawings and testimonials.
I realize this is not a “world-changing” invention, but I believe in dignity at the table. Heinz deserves to be associated with flavor, not foreplay. Who knows? It could restore ketchup’s standing as America’s most respected condiment.
Please let me know your thoughts. I would be honored to discuss licensing or to meet with your engineers, though I’ll admit I get nervous in conference rooms.
Since Mother passed, I’ve devoted most evenings to the prototype. It helps to keep the hands busy. Her chair’s still by the window. I test the bottles there. The sun helps build up gas in them.
With sincere admiration and enduring friendship,
Rosco Longfellow (no relation)
Inventor, Longfellow Innovations
P.O. Box 48
Schenectady, NY 12305
P.S., would there be some kind of coupon situation I could take advantage of?
(Stamped faintly in red ink: “REJECTED – REFER TO PACKAGING DIVISION.”)
