CHICAGO–In the early morning hours, a “bearded, rosy-nosed man in a shiny red suit with white trim and matching cap, wearing black, combat-style boots” was taken into custody by Immigration and Custom Enforcement (ICE).
The man, who did not have any identifying papers on his person, was captured on the rooftop of the Fisher Building, a 20-story apartment complex, located at 343 S. Dearborn Street, in Downtown Chicago.
When asked if he was an American citizen, the man responded, “Ho. Ho. Ho.” Agents claim the man appeared to be “twinkle-eyed,” suggesting he may’ve been “high on drugs.”
Addressing local media, a spokesperson for Homeland Security said the man was spotted trying to enter the residence through a “narrow pipe vent,” while carrying a “misshapen sack over his shoulder.”
“One of our Black Hawk pilots on patrol picked up the activity.” The spokesperson added, “Agents were fast-roped to the roof. After a brief struggle, the man was taken into custody.”
It was reported the target began to shake “like a bowl full of jelly,” leaving agents no choice but to cuff his wrists and ankles.
According to Homeland Security, “when the contents of the cherry-cheeked man’s sack were searched, a cache of gift-wrapped children’s toys, including dolls, action figures, and video game components were discovered.”
“The man had no proof of purchase on any of the items in his possession,” Homeland Security confirmed.
At the scene, an “unlicensed sled and eight thick-furred, large-antlered, hairy-hooved, deer-like creatures” were seized by agents.
When asked how the sled and deer got on the roof of the Fisher Building, the man allegedly told agents “Christmas Magic.” Homeland Security reports the sled has been impounded and the animals would be humanely euthanized “Kristi-Noem style.”
Per online reports, the man claimed, at the time of his encounter with ICE agents, he was “doing his job.” When asked what his job was, the man answered, “Delivering gifts to every good boy and girl on Earth.”
The man stated he completed this work in “just one night,” with the help of “magical elves,” leading authorities to believe the man could be heading some sort of forced-labor camp.
When asked his age, the man answered, “1,700 years old.”
“It’s clear this man is mentally unbalanced and likely migrated to our country from a psychiatric center somewhere in the world.”
Homeland Security told local media the detainee had been deported to a classified location in South America. “ICE did its job. They’re heroes. This illegal alien will never again bother any child in the United States.”
The spokesperson added, “Every family can thank our brave ICE agents and our amazing President for making Christmas great again.”