Today, First Lady Melania Trump filed a 300 billion dollar lawsuit in New York City against Escalator #2 at the United Nations building in Midtown Manhattan.
On Tuesday, when arriving at the U.N. with her husband, President Donald Trump, the escalator in question came to a mysterious stop as the First Lady stepped on.
The White House called the mechanical malfunction “suspiciously liberal,” and vowed to prosecute those responsible for the “leftist sabotage operation that scuffed and smudged Mrs. Trump’s diamond-encrusted high heels.”
A spokesperson for the UN’s Secretary General told reporters the President’s own videographer may have inadvertently triggered the stoppage when he walked up the escalator, then back down it ahead of the First Couple’s arrival. “The escalator’s safety mechanism is designed to prevent people or objects accidentally being caught and stuck in or pulled into the gearing.”
The White House dismissed the UN’s findings as “dangerously straightforward,” and plans to enact a full investigation of its own.
The President’s Press Secretary took to X to say, “Our great President has bravely instructed federal law enforcement to hunt down and imprison each and every unpatriotic escalator in America.”
When asked, Donald Trump said, “The escalator had been radicalized on the left.” The President then added, “Lot of problems with escalators on the left, and they get protected, and they shouldn’t be protected.”
The White House Deputy Chief of Staff promised, “Any escalator, elevator, or moving sidewalk, found to be in America illegally, will be disassembled then deported to a scrap yard in El Salvador.” He went on to say, “Sleepy Joe Biden allowed millions of mechanical transporters to cross the Southern Border unchecked. And yesterday, at the UN, one such escalator nearly killed our amazing President and the breathtakingly-beautiful First Lady.”
There is no credible evidence that Escalator #2 is in the country illegally.
According to reports, the Pentagon is drawing plans to deploy the military to all facilities that house any kind of moving staircase or stepper. This includes “shopping centers, airports, and train stations, just to name a few.” The Defense Secretary said, “There’s no room in America for targeted violence by partisan transporters.”
In related news, President Trump is considering litigation against the Teleprompter at the United Nations. In a late-night post on Truth Social, Mr. Trump claimed the “telapromptar” (spelled wrong) had “gone woke” halfway through his speech, forcing him to make a fool of himself by finishing his remarks unscripted.
He called the timing an “enigma.”
The UN told reporters the President’s team was “fully in charge of the teleprompter during Mr. Trump’s entire speech.”
The White House dismissed that conclusion as “insufficiently conspiratorial.”