(How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Trans Fat)
Follow The Experts
It’s not like any idiot can just record themselves doing any dumb thing and post it
online. You have to go to chef school and pass all your exams. Then you have to go
through the rigorous Facebook screening process for safety, factual accuracy, and
nutritional soundness. It might seem counterintuitive, but if a guy with a stained
Nickelback t-shirt tells you to dump a bag of candy bars into an aluminum baking
tray and drown them in liquid cheese, you’d best do it.
Unlock the Secret Power of Carbs
You can never have too much bread or sugar, unless you’re diabetic or don’t want
to become diabetic. Six servings is just a recommendation, not an absolute law.
Donuts are perfectly legal. You can walk out of a shop carrying three dozen and
the cops can’t touch you. Deadly and addictive are just words. Tell yourself that
you will give most of them away to your “friends.” If not, you can always ration
them out one a day. No, you won’t eat all 36 donuts by yourself in a darkened
room. I promise. Not this time. When you get home, dip those babies in melted
butter and roll them in breadcrumbs. Top with powdered sugar just in case there
are any stray insulin molecules left in your bloodstream. Now enjoy.
Cheese is Your Friend
Any dish is better with cheese, and portion sizes are a hoax of the liberal media, so
pile it on like Grammys on Beyoncé. Go to the outlet store and get the fifty-pound
sack. Cheese doesn’t go bad. Unleash it on everything: cookies, soda, cardboard,
other cheeses. And don’t buy into any of the media hype about inflammation.
What has your immune system ever done for you?
Ketchup is a Vegetable
So remove the top and drain the bottle. It’s magic sauce that turns anything into
salad. Ground beef－salad. Chicken nuggets－salad. French fries－salad. Pizza is
salad too if you put mushrooms on it. And mint ice cream is already a salad.
Turbocharge Your Meals with Food Combinations
What happens when you take three great foods and put them together? You get a
superfood, that’s what! Start with a honey glazed ham. No. Don’t slice it. Just plop
the whole thing down on a platter like you were giving birth to a baby pig. Now
get a gallon of shrimp cocktail from the big box store and pour that on top. Use
your hands to make sure it’s covered evenly. Presentation is everything. Now for
the fish filet sandwiches. Sprinkle those generously and voila! You’re a cooking
genius.
Remember to Fry, Wrap, and Top
Fry beef to cancel the artery clogging effects.
Wrap red meat in bacon, so it can’t hurt you.
And top burgers with lettuce to make them a salad.
Use Your Hands
There are tons of videos out there from foreign countries, places where they don’t
have all these “woke” health regulations. I see barefoot street vendors all the time
touching the food with their hands. No gloves. They don’t even use plates or pans.
They mix the ingredients right on the ground! Flies crawling on everything. They
don’t care. Germs are fake news. Don’t buy everything Big Soap wants to sell you.
Free your minds, sheeple.
More is Better
Let’s face it. Sugar and butter are delicious. Any fool can tell you that the more
you pour in, the better something is going to taste. And isn’t that the whole point?
To do whatever feels good in the moment? And the dollar store has big tubs of
extra-hydrogenated margarine and jugs of slightly irregular corn syrup super
cheap, so live it up!
Plastic is a Mineral
Plastic food containers are convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Why not
drink water out of a plastic bottle? Why not stir fry with a plastic spatula? Surely
there’s nothing wrong with eating hot soup from a plastic bowl if it has a cool
picture of Scooby-doo on it? So what if your lymph nodes have enough
microplastics to make a complete set of Ken dolls. Petrochemicals mean more
nutrients, and more is better.