EVERGREEN, Ohio—Steel Valley State College has approved a $700,000 grant for a small coterie of freshman to research new ways of asserting non-points as cogent arguments, a Monday news release announced. The group hopes that its work can help students disadvantaged by incoherent beliefs succeed academically.
When pressed on why he feels the initiative is necessary, group co-founder Toby Stennon, 18, explained: “It’s important to provide students with new resources, so then that way they’ll have them.”
The grant marks the conclusion of a three-month campaign that met resistance even from its early stages.
“At first the college argued that as freshman we’d just blow all the money on booze,” recounted group treasurer Jake Rosenfelt. “But we came back and were like, ‘Do you think freshmen are the only ones who blow grant money on booze?’”
He added: “If we’re being honest, freshmen find ways to pay for beer, even without grant money.”
Ironically, it was fellow students who drove the fiercest dissent against approving the application.
“Everyone knows that a learning institution can’t alter its budget for a few drunks who just want to skirt around using tools that are already available,” wrote student representative Amanda Kendall in her rebuttal statement. “I say that as a woman.”
Despite opposition from peers and administrators, Stennon’s resolve helped the group’s cause prevail.
“Our critics ask why students can’t make do with repeating the arguments they’ve always used,” Stennon reflected finally. “But that’s what Hitler did in the 1930s and look how that turned out.”