NASHVILLE—Some of the nation’s top-selling country songwriters deliberated for 12 hours Friday about rhyming “whiskey” with “frisky,” ultimately deciding that they will continue to do so for at least the next 23 years, disappointed sources in the room confirmed.
“If the good Lord above didn’t want us to do it, why would He make them rhyme? Makes no sense,” Jim Gum of the band Dead Aim said upon leaving the meeting. “When you’ve got a scene in a bar, there’s whiskey involved. You can even not be in a bar, and bam! Whiskey. So many options. Now who’s drinkin’ it? The ladies, of course. And by the time the third verse comes around, how do you think they’re feeling? If the answer’s anything other than ‘frisky,’ you messed up. It’s as true today as it was at the turn of the millennium, so damn right we should keep this good thing going another couple decades.”
Country music historian John Turner begged to differ.
“To say this is discouraging would be an understatement. Unless it’s Willie Nelson talking about how his new kitten named Whiskey has been acting rambunctious, there’s no need for it. I’m so sick,” Turner said. “But that’s what I deserve for getting my hopes up. Stupid me, thinking that hacky lyrics don’t have a place in this genre. I don’t ask for much. I would’ve been okay with just the noun, or just the adjective. But both? Hell, I’d rather hear them rhyme ‘kahlua’ with ‘hawk tuah.’ That’s how bleak the situation is.”
Fans generally didn’t seem to mind the outcome of the meeting, with many hooting and hollering outside the building afterward, drowning out those in the minority.
“Wooohoooo! Let’s go!” Dead Aim superfan Samantha Fox exclaimed in this reporter’s ear. “For me, personally—I mean, really, it’s the right move. I love it. Love hearing it. I don’t care what these skinny nerds here are saying, talking about ‘clichés’ or whatever. So dumb. This has nothing to do with the fucking French. This is about American whiskey and it kicks ass! Hell yeah!”
At press time, word is that rock bands are planning to gather in Los Angeles to debate their continued use of “mama.”
