Thanks for having me on the show, George. It’s great to be here. I’d like to start by saying I stand 100% by my past statements regarding this issue. I do believe, and always have believed, that people who own lizards as pets are weird, plain and simple. As plain and simple and thrilling as the speckled brown scaling of an Eastern tree gecko. It’s not that I think they should have less rights than us. But I don’t want them rubbing their perverted compulsion in my face, trying to force it down our throats.
Speaking of throats, did you know the Komodo Dragon has thirty-eight muscles in its throat? They help compress and crack the bones of prey as they swallow creatures as large as deer. Kinda neat, huh.
But Komodo dragons are not the point here, George. The point is the unusual preoccupation with scaly, talon-footed, attractive reptiles in their home is a bit disgusting to me. Certainly they’re seen as immoral in the eyes of our Creator. And as someone who believes deeply in his faith, I cannot condone this kind of “woke” venom poisoning our country’s culture.
Quickly back to the Komodo dragon, George. Their venom is housed in gelatinous sacs located in the lower jaw and delivers a concentrated neurotoxin to the bloodstream of its catch.
But like I was saying: as Godly man, I am always reminding myself about the sin of Hypocrisy. If our actions do not match our words, we spew nothing more than wickedness, speaking with a forked tongue like that sinful, handsome serpent from the Garden of Eden.
You want to see exactly what I’m talking about? Look at this right here. This is a picture of a man holding what could only be described as a gorgeous Burmese python, draped around his neck in a warm, longing caress. Is the man in that picture me? I cannot say for sure. And that’s what worries me, George. I’m worried for our kids and our families. Big families. Little families. Adopted families. Families that hatch out of eggs that may nor may not be brooding underneath a heat lamp in the damp corner of your basement.
It’s just plain flat out wrong for some crackpot to own and be in mildly romantic relationships with two bearded dragons, an iguana, a Texas whiptail, a Brazilian tree constrictor, and a gila monster named Murray that he walks on a leash around the neighborhood and then lets them all sleep into him on his bed at night, playing a little game called “How Sticky is Too Sticky.”
America is just not that kind of country. The Republican Party is a big tent, but there is no room under that tent for deeply disturbed, reptile-obsessed, lizard deviants.
Thanks again for the interview, George. Now, once that camera is off, you want to see my snake skin couch?
