Glitter
Let’s face facts. Tap water isn’t cool. If it’s going to taste like nothing, shouldn’t it at least look good? While the nation’s geeks are drinking plain old tap water, America’s jocks are drinking rainbow Powerade that changes color the faster you chug it. That’s why every water treatment plant should start mixing glitter into the water supply. .
Dior “Sauvage”
Without a signature scent, tap water has no way to differentiate itself from every other boring odorless liquid like wood glue or silicone. But with just a spritz of Dior “Sauvage,” we can get people reaching for tap water at the bar, the country club, and the board room. “Sauvage” is that perfect mix of rugged and classy that will have you filling up another glass with a new sense of confidence.
Data
If tap water can’t adapt to the norms of the 21st century, how can we expect anyone to drink it? In today’s information age, every faucet in America should be spewing out crystal-clear water with a download speed of 50 megabytes per second and enough disk space to hold all of your spring break photos. Once we put enough data in the water to stream at 1080p, water will finally go from the drink of the past to the drink of the future.
Whey Protein
100 years ago you could grab any 16-year-old out of a crowd and odds were they’d be able to load a rifle with buckshot in under 10 seconds. Now, that would only happen like half of the time. Now more than ever, we need to be proactive about beefing up this nation’s children. They say abs are made in the kitchen, and we agree—the kitchen sink to be specific. With a hearty serving of whey protein in every glass of tap water, we can revitalize the America that beat the Nazis.
Sea Monkeys
Loneliness and immaturity are corroding our society from within. Sea monkeys are a surefire way to address both of these issues. Your nana won’t be complaining about how little you come by anymore once she’s got a couple hundred little aquatic buddies to keep her company. And your slovenly nephew will learn a thing or two about what it means to be an adult by tending to the fickle needs of a herd of hungry sea monkeys. Let’s get these guys hatching and take a step towards addressing our nation’s crisis of character.
Everything But The Bagel Seasoning
Is there anything a sprinkle of Trader Joe’s EBTB seasoning doesn’t fix? The crunchiness of the sesame seeds, the savory notes from the coarsely ground salt, the aroma of the garlic, and the sweetness of the onion all combine together to create an unbeatable flavor profile that has the power to kick any dish up a notch. A dash in the water, please!
Stem Cells
In this day and age it can be hard to tell the difference between science fiction and science fact. Stem cells are a new wonder drug that can cure everything from lactose intolerance to cauliflower ear. By harnessing the most cutting-edge 21st-century technologies, we can make water good for you again. Suffer from depression? Going bald? Just broke your leg? Bartender, pour me a water please.
A Slice Of Lemon
This one is almost too obvious. If you’ve ever been to a fancy restaurant, you know that a napkin in your lap and a slice of lemon in your water can make any night out one to remember. Don’t ask us why municipal governments across the country have been dragging their feet on this for years (bureaucracy much?), but it’s about time we take a page out of the foodservice industry’s playbook and make every sip of tap water taste like it’s a la carte.
Bubble bath
Bubble bath isn’t just for the kiddos anymore. Whether it’s the color, those perfect round bubbles, or the sudsy smell, we don’t know, but kids love bubble baths. So why not get the next generation excited about tap water by making their bubbliest dreams come true? The worst part about growing up is having to pretend you no longer enjoy playing with bubbles. Reconnect with your inner child and guzzle down a couple glasses of foamy water and see if you don’t feel 10 years younger.
Floss
Plaque is a silent killer. Oral hygiene is an important issue that sometimes flies under the radar on a local, state, and national level. Its build-up weakens enamel and leads to tooth decay, but loose strands of floss floating in our nation’s water could help remove plaque and get at pesky food particles in hard-to-reach places where brushing sometimes fails. Now, people can stay hydrated and orally hygienic at the same time.