Ghouls
A ghoul is a classic Halloween-time ghost. You often see depictions of these frightening phantoms on front lawns and in car windows during spooky season. Ghouls tend to be extremely offended by these racist effigies and won’t come anywhere near a home that offends them so. The answer for keeping these eerie cats at bay, then, is to adorn your property with all kinds of corny ghoul junk. They’ll steer clear on account of their delicate sensibilities.
Poltergeists
There’s a key difference between a poltergeist and your regular, garden-variety ghost: Poltergeists require stuff to be scary. I’m talking about furniture, food, sneakers, pillowcases; basically anything tangible that the poltergeist can manipulate to give you a heckin’ big fright. The trick to outsmarting a poltergeist is simple: Don’t own anything. All you have to do is give all of your possessions to the less fortunate or burn them all in the most epic bonfire of all time. Without material goods, there’s no way a poltergeist could ever come close to giving you a big-time, Halloween spook.
Ghost Orbs
An orb is a tricky one. While, yes, the orb is a wimp at heart, orbs are also known for being the spirits of our deceased ancestors. The key here is to protect yourself from getting spooked while also trying to avoid spooking the orb in return. No one wants to give their sweet, old great-great granny a posthumous heart attack. That would be insensitive and immoral. So instead, opt to avoid the orb at all costs; this means staying out of cemeteries and graveyards, which are an orb’s most frequented hang-out. It can be tempting, considering all that delicious pre-packaged deli meat that’s often found in cemeteries, but encountering an orb is a mess that no one wants to deal with. Better to just play it safe.
The Ghost of My Uncle Sean
As we all know, my uncle Sean’s untimely demise occurred on January 16th, 1998 in a tragic forklift accident. Ever since, Uncle Sean has ravaged his home city of Spokane, Washington, searching for the pathway to the other side. He’s a restless spirit, you see, and restless spirits are known for being dog-tired 24/7. That means that when he tries to give you the ol’ spook, it’ll be half-assed and lazy and it probably won’t even be that scary. After his weak spooking attempt, remind him how he was nothing but a disappointment and embarrassment to the entire family. He’ll shriek and cry and seem way less intimidating. Actually, it’ll just be sad and pathetic. Try to avoid this situation unfolding in the first place if you can.
Super Spooky Specters
A Super Spooky Specter is just that: super spooky. No one is completely immune to a good old-fashioned quality spook from one of these macabre monstrosities, but we’ve got a little secret for you. Super Spooky Specters have a weakness: Their credit is in the toilet. This is going to be your ticket out of getting your pants scared off by a Triple S. All you have to do to terrify one of these ethereal entities is print out their Equifax report and brandish it where they can get a good look. Any reminder that they’ll never be able to get a loan for that brand-new Toyota 4Runner that they’ve been wanting will have them heading for the hills. You won’t see another one of these fearsome fiends for another six Halloweens.