Way to go, morons! Y’all thought it was so funny to elect Rufus mayor over the other, extremely qualified, candidate. Well, look what your cheeky little shenanigans cost you.
Enjoy watching Indepence Day: Resurgence on the Roku channel tonight while all the neighboring towns you can see from your patios have the time of their lives lighting up the night sky!
Sure, maybe the other candidate that ran for mayor got zero votes, but I also have it on good authority (he and I are very close friends) that he doesn’t cower and whimper at the sounds of America’s freedom being celebrated. Unpatriotic mayor, if you ask me.
And yes, the other candidate committed a teeny tiny bit of tax evasion and had just a smidge of affairs (with beautiful women!), but at least he doesn’t put the town into high alert on garbage day.
All of you made the biggest mistake this town has ever seen, and now you get to live with it.
The following RETRACTION was submitted by the author and denied by our editor. We’ve agreed to put it here at the bottom of the page so that he will stop calling us.
Hello, I am retracting my previous op-ed. it’s been brought to my attention that Rufus is a veteran, which likely plays into his fear of fireworks and his wild success in the polls. I had no idea the stupid dog was a war hero when I said all that stuff and I don’t want my insensitivity to affect the next mayoral election.