I appreciate cinema as much as the next person. And like millions of other people, I love to collect memorabilia from my favorite films, which includes that of my favorite movie of all time, Gremlins 2: The New Batch.
So why are you looking at me like that when I tell you that I’m purchasing the $300 life-size Greta the female Gremlin puppet from NECA?
Obviously, I’m aware of how objectively sexy the filmmakers made Greta, and how she has an inescapable aura about her that, in the film, culminates in her mating with Robert Picardo’s lucky character Forster. But you should know that that fact has played absolutely no role in my decision to purchase this supple puppet.
I’ve purchased everything else Gremlins-related that I could possibly get my hands on, including a used napkin that I stole from Zach Galligan’s table when I saw him eating at the Grove in 2011. And don’t think I haven’t contributed hard-earned dollars to those extralegal experiments conducted in international waters designed to develop real-live Mogwai (to no avail to this point, but they won’t stop trying and I won’t stop helping to fund it, no matter how many unexplained deaths occur).
So it stands to reason that I would want to buy the life-size (nearly three feet tall!) puppet of Greta, that sultry Gremlin goddess. I’m not sure why you would think my desire to have her in my home would come from any place other than that of a collector; in fact, the dark places your mind goes disturbs me, frankly.
Just look at the quality of her cloth zebra-print bra, concealing the busty rubber and latex wonders that lie hidden from a world that is perhaps still not ready to contend with the beauty of such a creature. Those luscious red lips… inviting like the siren’s call, made all the more irresistible with the threat that she might just decide to tear your face off instead.
I don’t really see what the problem is with admitting that Greta is beautiful. The fact that there is now a life-size puppet for me to spend my time with – however I, as an adult, choose, mind you – is merely a coincidence. If you had read any of my Gremlins fan fiction over the years, you’d know that I appreciate this character and the further exploration of Gremlins’ sexual habits from a purely scientific angle. I’m devoted simply to contributing to the expanded world building of the Gremlins universe and nothing more. It would be a dereliction of duty for me not to bring her into my home, to know her, to… feel her…
And one more thing: The fact that you caught me in bed with the life-size puppet of the Brain Gremlin has nothing to do with any of this, and it’s disappointing and sad you would even try to make a connection here.