Welcome to Couplets, a new music streaming experience unlike anything you’ve ever thrown your money at post-Napster. Couplets is a unique streaming service in the way that it is designed for (you guessed it!) couples! The difference between Couplets and all those other nonsensical, money-sucking streaming apps is that we offer a couple of pricing plans! Are you ready to fall in love with Couplets? Are you ready to shack up with the newest, best music streaming service on the market? Are you ready for us to sell all your private data and personal information for cheap? Well then say no more!
At Couplets, our plans offer two listening profiles for the price of one, because every good couple is really just one, fate-bound, double-income-earning unit <3. That being said, Couplets realizes that we do hold some form of responsibility in selecting truly committed couples and fully dedicated to each other. For that reason, Couplets offers a range of three heartfelt tiers within our couple streaming platform. These are as follows:
- Soulmates – For the ultimate, perpetually faithful, and loving couple; you have what every other couple wants, and even though you constantly shove it in their faces, your chemistry and commitment to each other is nothing less than perfect. – unlimited music streaming for two profiles for only $13 per month, because you deserve to have the best, most fairly priced, and most romantic soundtrack every step along the route of your perfect journey as lovers.
- Close 2 Perfect – Needs a little work, but so much love is there nonetheless! You know how to keep the ship afloat and then some. You are beautiful and thriving, perhaps all that’s been keeping you from being certified Soulmates is your use of those other streaming services. – unlimited music streaming for two profiles for only $24 per month, giving you the treat of all the music all the time to help aid you in your quest to become so much more than just the right fit.
- Rocky Roads Up Ahead- not looking so good. Stay together much longer and frankly, we’ll be quite shocked. Nevertheless, we’re happy to take your money in the name of love. – unlimited music streaming for two profiles for only $66 per month. Take it or leave it, it’s not like you deserve it anyway.
To determine what pricing tier each Couplet couple qualifies for, we will send each pair a thorough questionnaire to fill out prior to commencing access to our music streaming service. Additionally, we will also dispatch a private investigator to follow every couple around for at least one week. We guarantee that these investigators will keep a healthy distance, of course, though what exactly defines such a distance as ‘healthy’ will be left to our discernment. We will consider multiple factors before labeling you and your partner, such as how much time you spend together, how often you fight, how open you are to share your data, etc. All judgments are fair and reasonable. We simply ask that you live your daily lives as you normally would with no exceptions. Act natural and the entire process will feel just like the most normal week of your life (what is normal, anyway?). Please learn to ignore the drones overhead.
Once you and your partner have been cleared for access to Couplet’s fantastically lovable streaming service and placed in one of the three tiers, it’s time to enjoy your favorite music! Have fun, listen often, and just hope you don’t break up.
