Good news: After absolutely none of you came to the haunted hayride last year, the anonymous group of Reddit investors that bought us out ended up selling it back to me. Funny enough, they actually paid me to take it back!
Less good news: my cannibalistic son Jimmy is now a teenager, and has returned to the farm. I can say with confidence that his more problematic tendencies have not improved.
And on that note, the changes to the haunted hayride this year are as follows:
1. Since amusing themselves by distributing highly sensitive information to the world’s most destructive leaders, four extraterrestrial beings known as The New Monstars From Space Jam Except Way Cooler have taken up residence at the farm. Until the irreparable damage they’ve caused reaches its peak and society collapses in on itself, they’re just, and I quote, “absolutely chillin’ on it.” In other words, they moved into the shack with Jimmy. As if Jimmy needed this kind of bad influence. And you can probably guess what sorts of things they’re doing in there – the term “hot boxing” comes to mind. So please, no smoking on the hayride this year. I know in the past we’ve all enjoyed burning the good stuff around hundreds of bales of dry, flammable hay, but right now we need to set a good example for Jimmy. I understand he’s had a troubled upbringing, what with allegedly being a semi-immortal cannibal devoid of any regard for human life and all, but he’s in an impressionable stage right now. He’s a teenager for goodness sake.
2. The New Monstars from Space Jam Except Way Cooler will mess with you, if you let them. Do not call them aliens. If you do, they’ll insist you’re a bigot, and that the correct term is “extraterrestrials,” as if any of us have ever addressed an intelligent species from another galaxy before. But then, when you refer to them as extraterrestrials, they’ll laugh until their weird grey sores ooze with tears and say, “‘Extraterrestrials,’ okay snowflake, look at the stupid dumb look on your face right now, what a dumb little bitch.” They’ll flay you with words – then they’ll actually flay you, like they did to Uncle Amos. Kids these days. Seems like everything you say is wrong, resulting in a violent stripping away of the skin from your body. Jimmy may dine on the meat of man, but still, I don’t want him learning these sorts of bad habits, or worse, becoming a social justice warrior.
3. No more free WiFi. For one, the global economy is crashing. Creepy Marty’s gotta make that bread. But mostly it’s because there isn’t any WiFi at all anymore after Jimmy hacked into the databases of the world’s most powerful governments using only his mind and our neighbor Uncle Amos’s low-income internet service that he utilized primarily for purchasing affordable prescription medication. I’ve since cut the fiber-optic cables that provided Uncle Amos this internet to prevent Jimmy from further damaging civilization. But before anyone gets all in a tangle about Uncle Amos not having the means to buy his meds, let me assure you: He absolutely doesn’t need it anymore.
4. Don’t go in the shack! I feel like this should go without saying, but the last time I thought something went without saying, Uncle Amos was flayed alive. No matter what The New Monstars from Space Jam Except Way Cooler try to tempt you in with – alcohol, video games, a night of unforgettable camaraderie – remember who these New Monstars from Space Jam Except Way Cooler really are. They leaked top-secret intelligence to hostile nations for the fun of seeing it all burn! I don’t care that they’re unbelievably charming and handsome (in an extremely weird way). They’re delinquents. Also, they’re currently living with a cannibal. I’m pretty sure Jimmy sold them those secrets for the promise of an endless supply of human flesh, and I’m trying to ween him off that. Don’t be an enabler.
5. We’re going green. I’ve managed to bring the haunted hayride’s carbon emissions down 3,000%, which is truly insane when you think about it – there really was no good reason for us to be burning all that coal. Turns out you can just use firewood for bonfires! Anyway, please don’t mention going green around The New Monstars from Space Jam Except Way Cooler. It’s adjacent to use of the word “alien.” See rule #2 for context if you’ve already forgotten.
6. Freddy Krueger. Remember that real-life Freddy Krueger who worked the hayride? His first year, ol’ Fred was a superbly spook-tastic attraction. If you nodded off during the hayride, you had a 25% chance of being carved like a pumpkin, a 50% chance of being chased by a killer in the prison of your own mind, and a 100% of being traumatized for life. Then, last year, his performance took a bit of a nosedive – he was going through a rough time, battling a spook-tastic demon of his own: depression. Well, Freddie lost that battle. The final straw came from The New Monstars from Space Jam Except Way Cooler. I guess ol’ Fred wanted to warm up a little before the season got underway, but of course the extraterrestrials weren’t scared of him at all. After being sliced and diced in their sleep, they requested that Freddy go “harder,” and referred to him as their father figure. Poor Freddy. One minute he’s one of the most terrifying concepts ever imagined, the next he’s being adopted by his victims as their dad. It’s a strange world we live in, as the existence of my feral son Jimmy can attest to.
And yet the world keeps on turning, doesn’t it? Similarly, despite this year’s changes, Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Haunt promises to continue its legacy of sharing with the community the true currency of Halloween: good-natured spooks. Just no alien jokes! Actually, though, no alien jokes. I’ll live a lifetime before I shake off what I saw happen to Uncle Amos.
By the way, everyone is welcome to attend his memorial at 8 p.m. on October 31st if they make it through the hayride. Happy Halloween!
