This is your Captain, Jean-Luc Picard speaking. It has come to my attention that the holodeck has been in unusually high demand as of late. Everyone on the Enterprise is well within their rights to use this outlet when they wish, but I remind you all that we must do so in an appropriate fashion. Therefore, it is with reservations I am announcing the Holodeck’s “Swingers Party” program will be suspended until further notice.
This decision is surely disappointing to many of you. Rest assured I did not make it impulsively or without taking the perspectives and opinions of the senior members of our crew into consideration. However, it has become clear from the frequent tardiness and outright absence of individuals from their duties that the Swingers Party program has become an impediment to orderly operations. An “ongoing mission” inherently calls for long periods away from your homes and systems of origin. I acknowledge this is the twenty-fourth century and our definitions of sexuality and monogamy have become quite fluid. Even so, I am confident that this is not what the United Federation of Planets had in mind when they trusted us “to boldly go where no one has gone before.”
In fairness, this conduct has been attributed to a small, but operationally significant number of Enterprise crew members. Having consulted Starfleet Command on the matter, I am forbidden by privacy regulations to name any names. Regardless, I’m sure all of us can guess who public enemy “Number One” is. They’re a crew member who plays the trombone and refuses to sit in a chair like a normal human being. For those of you confused by the latter reference, I suggest you review our archive of viral videos from 21st-century Earth. I urge you all to conduct yourselves as model Starfleet officers and set a better example for the younger people on board. I am thinking specifically of Ensign Wesley Crusher and Alexander, the son of our chief of security, Lieutenant Worf. Let us also be cognizant of taking inappropriate advantage of crew members who are not accustomed to romantic coupling. I know the late Lieutenant Tasha Yar had a notorious liaison with Lieutenant-Commander Data in the past, but her behavior at that time was attributable to an invasive airborne phenomenon that affected all of us. The physical functions and lack of emotional response of an android are no excuse for misconduct. We have a choice, my dear crew.
On the advice of ship Counselor Deanna Troi, I have decided to be mindful of the emotional and physical needs of my crew. To that end, I am willing to entertain a lifting of the suspension on a trial basis. This will follow a period of time yet to be determined and a routine reassessment of all onboard who played a part in this abuse of Holodeck privileges. As your captain, it is my duty to lead by example. I have personally apologized to Dr. Beverly Crusher for my own missteps in this matter and will endeavor not to repeat them. Speaking of which, I’d like to remind the doctor of our usual twice-weekly appointment in my quarters at 1900 hours. I’ve learned to play that ancient Earth song “California Dreamin’” on my Ressikan flute, so if you’ll bring the champagne…I’m saying this on the live channel, aren’t I?
All right, forget everything I just said. The suspension is lifted! Enjoy the Holodeck responsibly in any manner you wish. Reserve it ahead of time and be respectful of others’ rights to use it as well. Then again, perhaps you’ll be “sharing” anyway if you know what I mean. Make it so.
Dr. Crusher, to my ready room, please. Belay the order of champagne and break out the Romulan Ale instead. Engage!
