Throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. That’s why, after the most successful presidency in history ended – with an election that was rigged and stolen from me, by the way – I was looking forward to spending my time in retirement at Mar-a-Lago relaxing with some theoretical nuclear physics calculations.
When I was president, frankly, I was disappointed in the quality of the nuclear physicists in the government. I asked our country’s physicists, “Why can’t you be more smart and loyal, like the physicists that worked on the atomic bomb for Germany in World War II? Great, loyal physicists, like Philipp Lenard, Johannes Stark, and Heinrich von Strangelove.”
You should have seen our neutron capture cross-sections. I like neutrons that weren’t captured, I hate to tell you. Their work was so bad, I ended up tearing most of it up and throwing it down the toilet. I built a nuclear weapons system myself, a weapons system that nobody’s ever had before. We now have stuff that Macron and Xi have never heard of before. What we have is incredible. And I decided that when I had more free time, I’d devote myself to improving the quality of nuclear physics in this country, even if I had to do it all myself.
So after the fraudulent election with massive cheating, I left the White House, and I brought these nuclear documents with me to Mar-a-Lago. I needed them for my own theoretical physics calculations. They may have been classified, but there was nothing to worry about; no one is better at protecting classified secrets than me. Frankly, they’re safer with me than with Sleepy Joe’s corrupt National Archives. And my good friend Vladimir agrees – and look, he’s a genius. And he likes me very much. I have a good instinct about people, I know I can trust him.
Nuclear physics calculations can be very hard. It takes a lot of stamina. Mental and physical. But I don’t mind, I have it. In fact, I enjoy hard calculations. There’s nothing like working out Feynman diagrams while drinking Diet Coke and eating a well-done steak slathered with ketchup. I can work on physics even when I’m eating or the TV is on. That’s because I’m cognitively there. I aced some like, really hard physics tests. Ones where you had to remember all these words. Like “person, woman, man, gauge boson, isospin.” You have to remember them, for like, ten, twenty minutes. And repeat them back. And then calculate the binding energy of a high-Z nucleus. Not a lot of people can do that. They always told me, no one has scored higher on this test than you. I’m not being braggadocious. That’s just what they told me.
And frankly, the yield-to-weight ratio of our country’s nuclear weapons is just sad. China is beating us with their high-yield bombs. But the fake news Washington Post will never report that. Luckily, besides being the only president who can build a wall to keep out Mexican criminals, rapists, drug dealers, and good people, I also have one of the all-time-great physics brains. I’m the only one who knows how to improve our nation’s meson production. The Democrats will tell you it’s impossible. So will the RINOs. They’re losers. They aren’t true charge-parity conservatives.
I’ve read hundreds of books about nuclear physics over the decades. My uncle John was a physicist at MIT. I have good genes, very good genes, okay? I’m very smart. Once I’m finished improving the effectiveness of our nuclear stockpile, I’ll move on to other big things. Like Supersymmetric String Theory. I have some tremendous ideas for how to compactify G2 manifolds. Believe me, folks, I can do it. The G2 manifold has seven dimensions. Seven dimensions! A lot of people don’t know that. Although I’m not sure why you’d want to compactify anything. Usually I want my Riemann manifolds huge. Just like my hands.