Every year, approximately 73 trillion sperm lose their lives to irresponsible ejaculations across the United States. This growing trend has troubled us pro-lifers for decades until recently, when the Supreme Court unsurprisingly ruled they could simply cancel out their previous ruling guaranteeing the right to agency over your own body.
Given this constitutional un-development, we’ve been inspired to take the concept of prenatal salvation just a wee bit further and have decided that, for the sake of preserving the sanctity of life, it’s finally time to start policing sperm.
That’s right folks, the sperm police are gathering nationwide and are now on the hunt for male masturbaters.
So if you or someone in your household owns a penis, your sperm – much like a woman’s uterus – now belongs to the State. Effective immediately, ALL non-viable ejaculations that occur within the continental U.S. are BANNED until further notice (or until the wave of lawsuits makes its way to SCOTUS but, you know, 6-3 supermajority and all… I wouldn’t have high hopes). You see, your countless careless cummings have actually been killing millions of potential American citizens for far too long and this kind of carnage will not be tolerated in the land of the free where the rule of law reigns supreme.
We understand this may come as a terrible shock to many of you, perhaps even resembling a slight violation of your human rights, but since the right to indiscriminately ejaculate wasn’t explicitly included in the Constitution, we believe this is not only what’s best for the American people, but it is also what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.
And before you dismiss this policy expansion as government overreach, please do remember that we are pro-lifers, not con-lifers. We will always have your best interests at heart and would never, under ANY circumstances, even hint at the possibility of enacting laws that so much as marginally disturb or even mildly threaten the sanctity of your daily lives. Because again, we are definitely PRO-life, and are in no way shape or form against it.
So what exactly is a “non-viable ejaculation ban” you might ask? Simply put, it’s any instance in which an ejaculation occurs outside of a vagina. See, sperm are like little humans. They have heads, a nucleus inside that head, a plasma membrane that surrounds the nucleus, a body that is attached to the head with mitochondria and other living tissues that help it function, and legs in the form of a tail to move around. The only problem is, sperm can’t survive outside of the body, and every time a man cums anywhere other than into a woman, they are essentially depriving these poor life-filled sperm of their primary and only function in life: fertilizing a woman’s eggs (with her consent, of course).
And speaking of consent, be advised that there will be no exceptions for involuntary ejaculations or rape. If the sperm police discover evidence to suggest you discharged anywhere other than into a (consenting) woman, even if it was induced against your will, you will still be held accountable and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
And while contraception may still be legal for now, we are certainly going to be taking another look at the constitutionality of that as well. Additionally, even if a non-viable ejaculation becomes a medical necessity to, say, save your life, we still regret to inform you that no such exception will be permitted and your medical care provider will immediately be forced to report the incident to the Sperm Abuse Crimes System (SACS). Should you attempt to circumvent the potential for pregnancy by exploiting the “backdoor loophole,” or any other hole for that matter, you will be prosecuted for Unlawful Unloading AND Attempting to Evade Law Enforcement, which carries a sentence of anywhere from ten years of state-monitored involuntary celibacy to full-on chemical castration.
For those of you thinking that there’s simply no way to track the millions of now-illegal ejaculations occurring daily, you’re absolutely right. Enforcement will be incredibly challenging. However, please also remember that police officers are no longer required to read you your Miranda Rights, or present a warrant before breaking into your home, or to even think before unholstering their weapons and firing at will (although recently a rather large group of officers spent nearly an entire hour “thinking” about using their weapons instead of actually using them – to save the lives of children nonetheless – but this was an isolated incident and we digress).
With these facts in mind, is that really a risk you’re willing to take? Sure, you’ll probably get away with it nine times out of ten. But on that tenth time, we’ll be there to catch you in the act and it won’t be pretty. And if it’s not us, it’ll be those we’ve incentivized to be on the lookout for us. Maybe your mail carrier knows more than just your address. Maybe your doctor has an extra little note in his chart. Maybe your online search history isn’t so private anymore (looking at you, dozens of public access porn sites). Maybe your dry cleaner takes a little sample of the stain you’ve asked him to remove and submits it to our lab. And maybe, just maybe, your landlord goes through your trash before it gets picked up on Tuesdays.
I guess what we’re saying is, wherever you may come and go, we’re watching. We’re tracking. And we’re mobilizing to act, making sure you’re doing your part to prevent the senseless killing of all those sperm. Because again, and we can’t quite stress this enough, we are completely and unequivocally pro-life.
