In Major League Baseball’s latest attempt to alienate their fans and destroy what was once
“America’s pastime,” the “League” thought it would be a good idea to delay the start of the 2022
season in favor of a drawn out, funky-fresh round of collective bargaining featuring billionaire
owners arguing with millionaire players over who can be the greediest horse’s ass. The winner
is… no one! The loser? As always… the fans!
One outcome of the negotiations, aside from pomposity, scorn, and general douchebaggery, is a
new set of rule changes that have been incorporated into the game. Rounding the corner toward
the halfway point of the season, the changes have proven, predictably, to be dull, insignificant,
and ineffective at increasing fan interest.
A designated hitter in both leagues. Who cares? It’s been in the American League for decades.
It’s not as though young fans are suddenly flocking to Miami Marlins games because they’re
cranked about watching some dude who sucks in the field bat four times and sit on the bench the
rest of the game.
Expansion of the number of playoff teams. Great, let’s bog down the playoffs with mediocrity.
Should be some huge television numbers when two .500 teams from the Midwest go at it.
Larger bases. Larger bases???
If MLB wants to enact changes that will genuinely increase fan interest, attract a younger
audience, and generally make the game more fun to watch, they need to think outside the box.
The following are five suggestions to actually improve the pro game, presented just in time to be
rolled out at this year’s all-star game!
1. SCUBA flippers
A batter who walks must wear SCUBA flippers to run the bases. Get that bat off your shoulder,
or it’s flipper time!
2. No Shirts
Want to slide head first? Two words, tough guy… bloody nipples.
3. Fan participation
A foul ball caught by a fan is an out. Not only can fans battle with each other over ownership of
a foul ball, they can battle to help their team. Foul balls at Yankees-Red Sox games will be epic!
4. The Distractor
This is a big one. Each team designates a Distractor to be on the field when the opponent is on
defense. The Distractor can go anywhere on the field and do anything they want except touch the
ball or touch a defensive player. For example, during a pop-up, the Distractor can get right in the
fielder’s face, do the chicken dance and sing Wang Chung songs. Whatever they need to do to
distract. This opens up a position on MLB rosters that requires no baseball skills whatsoever.
The Distractor can be male or female, young or old. Sure to be a fan favorite!
5. Release the bull
Baseball already has a bullpen, time to use it literally! When a game is tied after 9 innings, a bull
is released onto the field and runs free until the outcome is decided. Among other benefits, the
interaction between the bull and the Distractor would be worth the price of admission!
There you have it, MLB. The fans have spoken… your move. Here’s your chance to salvage the remainder of the 2022 season and save your sport from going the way of MySpace and the 8-track tape. Oh, and the next time the League decides that it’s necessary to hijack the game, delay the start of the season, and hold fans hostage while owners and players sit in a room and argue over which side is the more gluttonous collection of rapscallions, here’s a suggestion to improve that process… release the bull!
