We didn’t send this letter to you directly, but if you’re reading it right now, we both know it’s meant for you. You may have noticed your texts were unanswered yesterday, or that someone was missing during your nightly routine of watching exactly three episodes of Modern Family before bed.
Let’s cut to the chase. We took them. We have the person closest to you, and if you ever want to see them again, we have some demands.
Okay, after some reshuffling we actually only have one demand. Pick the restaurant where you two will be eating tonight.
We had originally planned to extort you for every penny we could get. It was a good plan, too! It involved disguises and would have ruled. All we needed was a nice simple public restaurant to meet you for the drop. So we asked your partner where we should tell you to meet, hoping for somewhere you could easily access. They said “I don’t care.” We asked where you would typically suggest going and they just shrugged. Finally, we put a gun to their head and demanded they tell us a centrally located restaurant that would work for this exchange. They said “wherever you want to eat is fine.”
But it was not fine! Kevin, uh, I mean, one of my associates suggested we go to Applebee’s, due to them having a great two-for-one appetizer promotion currently running, but after some silent deliberation your partner said, “I’m not feeling Applebee’s tonight.” So, following what I consider to be the most exhausting ransom operation I’ve ever been a part of, we have landed on this final negotiation.
All you need to do to see your partner again is pick the restaurant. We no longer want money and have no intention of hurting you or your significant other. To be honest, at this point I think we are helping you. Decisiveness is sexy! You think you are making things easier by allowing your partner free rein of choice, but you’re actually forcing pressure onto them to pull something satisfying for both of you out of literally limitless options. Now we have no choice but to force the pressure of a tire iron against their knee until you name any place that serves food.
So just pick a restaurant for the two of you to eat at and we will leave you to it. We aren’t even going to hang around. Hell, if this is too much then send back three options! Your partner said if you’ll throw out three options they will pick one, but don’t you think with all that we’ve been through (again, we have your loved one’s life in our hands) we skip this classic façade? We both know if you send three choices they are going to eliminate one and send the other two back. You’ll still be choosing.
Pick the restaurant! It’s not that hard! Imagine a gun to your head and just name a restaurant. First one that comes to mind. I sincerely hope that quick imaginary scenario worked better for you than the literal version of it we did for your partner.
We expect our demands to be met by 5:30 pm. Earlier if you think there might be a wait and we should call ahead.