They say a man shouldn’t have to liquidate his own son, but I assure you all that it wasn’t personal. The new owners of the farm, Dikfart, made me do it. Also, you might remember from last year that Jimmy was, well, eating people alive. Not good for business. But he’ll be alright!
The people who purchased him were fully aware of his condition. Paid top dollar, too. Said something about “needing a good pet to keep the others in line.” I don’t know about the pet part, but admittedly Jimmy is more beast than man at this point, and if there’s anything he knows how to do, it’s keep people in line. He kept me silent and too terrified to move while barely surviving in the crawl space under the house for the better part of this past year!
With that out of the way, I’m proud to announce that against all odds and the collective wishes of this entire town, Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Haunt is reopening for the spooky season. Now, before you call the police to shut us down, know that: 1) things are gonna be different this year – safer – thanks to Dikfart, and 2) the police don’t come here anymore. For any reason. They don’t believe that I sold Jimmy and think he’s still lurking on the grounds.
“The hayride’s gonna be safer this year, Marty? How? And Marty, isn’t ‘safer than previous years’ sort of a really low bar to clear, given that death frequents your farm like a pig to a trough?” First off, shut up, and fuck you. Second, Dikfart’s members are educated folk from an exclusive elite investing platform called Reddit. They know how to run a business, probably. I trust them and I’ve never let anyone down except Jimmy, so you should trust them too.
They only communicate with me via a note attached to the leg of a dead bird lobbed at my bedroom window every night, but as of today I believe I’ve received all the changes to this year’s haunted hayride. If I get any more I’ll leave the birds out at the entrance to the farm. You can read them there.
The changes are as follows:
1. We have an app! You can use it to book a hayride, learn fun facts about the farm, and ward off the poltergeist who likes taking the form of family members who are no longer with us. Seriously, get the app! You’ll want to book your ride before we sell out!
2. Speaking of selling out, don’t be fooled. Just because we’re under new ownership and are selling warm pumpkin bread to eat while you sit in the carriage this year doesn’t mean we’ve gone mainstream. We’re still everyone’s favorite independent alt-farm. Honestly, I just didn’t know else to do after Jimmy planted that huge pumpkin patch because he “likes the way it smells when they rot.” I was concerned the stench would lead him back here.
3. Around 3 a.m. the other night I was drinking about a quart of milk when a haggard stranger banged on my front door. He warned me of a great evil headed this way, and suggested I travel closer to the equator where the spiritual boundaries are stronger. I kind of dozed off as he was explaining how I could protect myself, but the next day I put up some scarecrows along the perimeter of the farm just in case. Dikfart agrees this security measure should be more than enough.
4. One of Dikfart’s members is going to dress up as Beetlejuice and run around the farm screaming, “Say my name, say my name! Oops, you said my name!” in a sort of scratchy, high-pitched voice. Just ignore him.
5. If, on the other hand, you see a different man also dressed up as Beetlejuice but trying to burn down one or more of the haystacks, STOP HIM. He’s the other guy’s brother. He was kicked out of the group for not having “diamond hands.” He’s also a war veteran, but that doesn’t excuse whatever not having diamond hands means.
6. We rehired that real-life Freddie Krueger guy from a few years ago, but, uh, he’s not quite the enthusiastic murderer he once was. It’s sad, actually. He told me the other night that folks don’t seem to care whether they live or die as much these days, and it just ain’t the same when people are trying to get you to kill them in their dreams. It’s resulted in a lot of performance anxiety and depression. “I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning,” he said as a joke, unable to muster even a pity laugh for himself. I tell you all this because I feel like maybe we should give him a bit of a show this year and ham up our reactions when he shows up in our dreams to murder us. Everyone’s had it rough recently – I had to sell my only son after investing heavily in an apparently overcrowded crypto market – and all of us, unspeakable paranormal horrors included, deserve a little extra love and kindness right now.
7. We booked the Foo Fighters! Should be a good show.
We here at Dikfart’s Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Haunt can’t wait to see you here, getting spooked safely and soundly for once. Happy Halloween, y’all!
