Dear valued employees,
I would just like to preface this email by saying that, recently, my computer was the target of a dangerous cyberattack. And, although the hackers did not gain access to any financial data, sadly, they were successful in planting a malicious virus onto my computer – a virus that, against my wishes, inserts random, hilarious GIFs of the animated characters known as “Minions” into all of my emails. I am working hard to fix this issue, but in the meantime, I sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.
With that out of the way, it is my deep regret to inform you that, as of this moment, you have all been fired.
Again, I recognize that this news may not be the most pleasant thing for you to read… especially in this economy.
I also recognize that this news may be even more unpleasant for you to read since there are so, so many hysterical Minions GIFs scattered randomly throughout the bulk of this email. Trust me, these hilarious GIFs do not reflect the level of professionalism and respect that this business has tried to cultivate for the past two decades.
Please remember, folks, we here at Clark Multinational Pharmaceuticals value each and every one of you. And we truly appreciate the years of hard work that you have given to this humble pharmaceutical company. You have all sacrificed your nights, weekends, and holidays to the betterment of this great organization. And we cannot thank you enough.
Unfortunately, that said, we still have to fire you.
And, for that, we sincerely apologize.
With that in mind, we would also like to (once again) apologize for the many, many hysterical Minions GIFs that have been included in this email; it goes without saying that these hilarious, animated images do NOT reflect the core values of this esteemed pharmaceutical company. As you well know, we here at Clark Multinational have worked hard to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and camaraderie. There is a reason we are the sixth-largest OTC pharmaceutical brand on the eastern seaboard… we value our employees.
Meanwhile, however, as I’m sure you all well know, the Minions are, by their very nature, amoral creatures who delight in satisfying the whims of their cruel, despotic master. Throughout the course of films such as Despicable Me, Despicable Me 2, Despicable Me 3, and, of course, Minions, the beloved Minions have been the ever-eager henchmen for a series of disreputable villains. They have lied. They have stolen. And they have, time and time again, shown no compunction in committing actions that are, by all accounts, truly heinous.
Remove their veneer of cuteness, and the Minions are nothing more than monsters.
And obviously, while we at Clark Multinational have no ill will towards Universal Studios, nor towards their adorable, side-splittingly funny, animated creations, we must again stress that their values do not overlap with our own.
The Minions are an unaffiliated entity to this incredible pharmaceutical company.
And we apologize for including them in an email that is firing you.
We would also like to apologize that, at this time, we will be unable to offer severance pay for any of our current employees. Sadly, due to recent budgetary constraints, we have spent the bulk of this year’s earnings towards relocating our humble pharmaceutical company to a country with far-less-stringent minimum-wage requirements.
We apologize for any inconvenience caused by this decision.
And we wish you nothing but the best of luck in your search for new employment.
We here at Clark Multinational recognize this is not an ideal situation for anyone. If it were up to us, this whole situation would be resolved in a far more satisfactory manner for all parties involved. Believe us when we say that no one should have to be fired over email.
Even more importantly, no one should have to be fired over an email that contains so many hilarious Minions GIFs in it.
So, once again, and for the very last time, we offer nothing but our tenderest of apologies.
Please vacate your desks by the end of the working week.
All the best,
Adam James Clark II
Chairman and CEO of Clark Multinational Pharmaceuticals LLC
Suite 405, Clark Multinational Pharmaceuticals LLC
Trenton, New Jersey, 08601-3872
