Hoo boy! What can I say about 2020? It was a year that was definitely… a year. Maybe even two. It was a year that sadly kept us from surrounding ourselves with loved ones, liked ones, and even some secretly hated ones we were planning on keeping around until they weren’t useful to us anymore.
Instead, it forced us to surround ourselves with plenty of walls to shield us from all the tiny invisible death particles floating in the air. If you ask me, walls are the unsung heroes of 2020.
So, to honor these brave beige barricades, I’ve put together my list of the top four walls of the year!
4. The Empty Wall to My Right
This bare beige beauty is the posterless poster child of minimalism. It has absolutely nothing on it! Zip. Zilch. Nada. It’s just beige and wall. This wall’s emptiness made it the absolute perfect void to stare into for hours upon hours during this neverending quarantine. It allowed me to lose all sense of time and self, which was SUCH a needed vacation during these trying times! I once tried to mount a brand-new TV on this wall and it instantly fell and shattered all over the ground just like my dreams of a prosperous new year. Haha! CLASSIC 2020!!
3. The Wall Directly in Front of Me
This beguiling beige bombshell is home to the only wall art in my entire basement-level studio apartment. It features three quirky drawings of barnyard animals dressed in human clothes. Who doesn’t love when animals do human things!? Have you ever seen one beg for adequate pandemic relief? ADORABLE! I named them all Chester so they wouldn’t get jealous of one another. These three Chesters don’t just give the room a pop of color and character, they also gave me the three best new friendships I made all year! This wall would be ranked higher on the list but while my pandemic pals may have provided me more support than any elected government official, they most definitely didn’t provide me any competition on the ol’ Monopoly board if you know what I mean! This is also the wall I write my “thoughts” on.
2. The Wall to My Left
This bewitching beige boundary features the lone window in my humble abode, which happens to be located directly below my upstairs neighbor’s rumbling commode! One day in early May, my neighbor’s dog took a shit right outside my window, which they have yet to pick up. So, for the last eight months, this shit has been the first thing I see when I wake up in the afternoon, the last thing I see when I fall asleep in the morning, and the ONLY thing I smell all day! Leave it to the year 2020 to drop a poetic, hot, steaming, pile of metaphor right outside my window to remind me of what a complete shitshow waits for me just outside these walls. Yeah, thanks for the reminder, 2020. I think I’ll be staying INSIDE these walls, thank you very much!
1. The Wall Directly Behind Me
This becoming beige bitch takes the top spot because it features the doorway to my favorite part of my entire apartment: the closet! It’s where I go to get all my screams out. When the void just isn’t hitting like it should and the shit metaphor isn’t providing the comfort I decided it was meant to provide, this 3×3 Scream Box provides me the PERFECT place to release my pent-up, 2020 stress-based frustrations through guttural banshee-like screams and record my new podcast on cheeses. This wall also features the door that allows me to enter and exit my apartment, but of course, I would never dare. We don’t use that door. Not this year. Or next year. The Chesters would never allow that.