There is a certain amount of sophistication that is expected at your first shady political fundraiser. Uncouth behavior or a social faux pas shall ruin the evening and mortify your undisclosed donors.
When you sit down at the table, take note of the large congressional plate before you. There are many utensils on both the alt-right and left, and although they have different uses, also notice that they are basically the same. Really, really, the same. On both sides. Knowing which utensils to use as all your questionable campaign contributions come to your plate is truly the mark of a refined criminal.
Let’s begin now by going through each course of the meal.
The dinner salad shall arrive first. Take the fork to the left of your plate. Notice how stunted this fork is, almost as if it has ties to the mafia. This fork is for eating your salad that is provided by your individual donors. There is exactly $2,800 worth of dressing on this salad but there are buckets more available. Please thank Frank the First, Frank Jr., and Frank Sr., who all took the time out of being dead to donate individually to your salad dressing.
Our next course is oysters on the half shell corporation imported from Panama and any number of other countries that like to joyously meddle in your election. This course was baked by the world-renowned 501(c) “social welfare” companies. Use the fork on the right of your plate to delicately pick your way past all the regulations concerning hidden donors. Should you lose your fork, there are literally hundreds more under the table. Don’t look – it may embarrass your PAC!
The next course of your meal is very special. It comes directly from the Joint Fundraising Committee. It is a giant twenty-pound steak from Nebraska! This may seem odd for you to receive such a huge portion from a state that you do not reside in. This is the doing of your Joint Fundraising Committee. The steak originally started off as forty pounds, but they couldn’t eat it all. They are 100% allowed to then pass the rest of the meal from their plates to yours. It’s so delicious that it should probably end with jail time, but you know, that never happens.
Next, take the super PAC knife on the right, and your campaign fork on the left, and begin to enjoy your steak. In a very uncoordinated way, hold the meat down with your fork while you cut delicately with the knife. Again, notice how uncoordinated this is. It is so not coordinated that you should point it out to your FEC waiter. You can get away with so much when you use polite table manners.
Gently wipe your mouth with the stock options napkin donated by Make Prisons for Children, Inc. and prepare for the next course.
Take a sip out of your golden white wine glass. The wine this evening is called I Gave Your Second Cousin a Job (2020). A fabulous year for dark money chardonnay that pairs well with your voter registration purge.
Finally, it is time for dessert, served by Mrs. Crystal from the gun lobby. And before you ask, yes, a G-string is proper dinner attire for this event.
Oh no, here comes the IRS with the tax bill for this magical evening! Don’t worry, it’s just a little gentlemen’s humor. It is considered acceptable to give him the middle finger with the right hand while you pants him.
Using proper etiquette, you’ll find that enjoying your surprisingly legal congressional dinner party is a breeze. If clothes make the man, then proper etiquette truly makes the gentleman. Remember to always arrive on time, never tip your constituents with healthcare, and give zero fucks about the integrity of democracy.
