Thank you for your interest in Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German, the new über-advanced home fitness system set to revolutionize the home fitness industry! Here you will find answers to all of the most common questions about Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German.
What is Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German?
Simply put, Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German is the first home fitness system to ever blend American stereotypes about Germany with an actual German, who is incredibly hostile, to deliver the most nerve-wracking and über-intense home exercise experience ever imagined.
How does Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German work?
Whereas other home fitness systems tend to rely on cutesy positive reinforcement vibes, trendy options for social networking, and live streaming instructor-led videos, our system instead fully isolates you from the rest of the world except for your Hostile German, who paces around the room and berates you relentlessly with screams of “Macht schnell!” while threatening to use physical force and violence if you don’t go fast enough.
What sort of cardio equipment can I use with Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German?
While Der Laufenführer’s Hostile German is incredibly versatile and fully compatible with any cardio machine made by any home fitness brand, we recommend purchasing an official Der Laufenführer cardio machine to get the most out of your Hostile German. We offer a full line of cardio bikes, treadmills, and ellipticals that feature actual German engineering – which we all know is better than American engineering – and have been designed to integrate seamlessly with all Hostile German base models.
Can I select the specific Hostile German that I want when ordering from Der Laufenführer?
No, but all Der Laufenführer Hostile Germans are run through our stringent quality control process, so you can rest assured that you’ll only receive a Hostile German of the highest standards.
Does my Hostile German come clothed or nude?
All Hostile Germans are shipped wearing a freshly ironed Wehrmacht soldier uniform.
Wait… what???
Studies have shown time and again that nothing is better for maintaining a heart rate far above the aerobic zone than the fear of being maimed or murdered by an angry member of the Third Reich. That palpable fear is the crux of Der Laufenführer’s industry-leading guarantee that you will not only meet but vastly exceed your fitness goals.
I am not comfortable with having a Wehrmacht soldier in my home. Can I select a different type of Hostile German when ordering from Der Laufenführer?
While we hope that you will give our patented and proven fitness method a chance, we understand that a heart-pumping/pounding encounter with the Wehrmacht is not for everyone. That is why we will soon be rolling out these exciting clothing upgrade expansion kit options:
Der Schalldämpfer: This expansion kit allows you to clothe your Hostile German in a Stasi uniform to create an immersive workout experience based on oppressive secret police policies and paranoia rather than outright fear in order to provide the proper motivation for you to exceed your fitness goals.
Der Bestrafer: This expansion kit comes in either a Speedo swimsuit edition or a loincloth edition and essentially transforms your Hostile German into an angry Austrian bodybuilder (here at Der Laufenführer we don’t distinguish between Germany and Austria), who will intimidate you into burning more calories than you thought possible while berating you with offensive ’70s-era quips about your masculinity or femininity.
Der Rammsteiner: This expansion kit allows your Hostile German to capture the mood of an underground nihilistic heavy metal apocalyptic techno rave for some high-energy thrashing-about in your peak heart rate zone.
Das Berliner: This expansion kit is basically a giant jelly donut costume for your Hostile German to wear while taunting and berating you. Because Americans are as obese as Germans are hostile, we expect this expansion kit to be particularly popular.
How do I get my Hostile German to change out of his Wehrmacht uniform and into my selected expansion kit outfit?
Depending on the degree of hostility of the particular Hostile German that you purchased, he will either comply with your instructions and change his clothes himself, or you will have to do it for him. All expansion kit outfits are shipped with a taser at no additional cost to help facilitate this process.
Can I play Call of Duty with my Hostile German?
No. This will invalidate your warranty.
Can I engage in deep philosophical conversations about truth, morality, aesthetics, nihilism, or the meaning of existence with my Hostile German?
No. This will invalidate your warranty.
Can I coerce my Hostile German into baking a strudel for me?
No. This will invalidate your warranty.
I don’t like my neighbors. Can I instruct my Hostile German to build a concrete wall around their property?
No. This will invalidate your warranty.
My Hostile German has locked himself in my BMW/Volkswagen/Audi/Porsche and won’t come out. What do I do?
Please navigate to Der Laufenführer’s website, where we have a permanent link to footage of Germany’s victory over Brazil in the 2014 World Cup. Turn the volume up to maximum and stream this video on your computer, or television if possible (the bigger the screen, the better). Your Hostile German will emerge from the vehicle of his own free will. Note: make sure any beer on the premises is out of sight and locked away.
My Hostile German is refusing to motivate/berate me during my workouts unless I feed him a bratwurst and some sauerkraut. How do I fix this?
Please put your Hostile German back in the original packaging and ship the box to our manufacturing plant using the prepaid postage label included in the box. Once we receive your shipment, we will send you a new Hostile German and a voucher for a case of Warsteiner Bier for your inconvenience.
I can’t understand what my Hostile German is saying. Why doesn’t he just speak English?
He probably does and simply is choosing not to, since he is hostile. Der Laufenführer is not responsible for its customers’ inability to speak more than one language.
