Well, hi there! I’m Vice President Joe Biden. You may remember me from that speech I gave after winning the primary elections on Tuesday night. What day is it today? Sunday? Have I really not been on TV since then? Wow!
So, I gather a lot of people are looking for me, wondering where I am, what I’m doing in this time of national crisis, how I’m keeping my high-risk keister safe from the deadly virus outside, how I’m taking advantage of this unique opportunity to display my leadership capabilities.
These are good questions, and I’m going to answer them right now.
What I’m doing is… having the time of my life!
Gosh, it’s wonderful! You know, I’ve been on the phone with a lot of my friends – the Bushes, the Clintons, the Saudis, even Barack when I can get him to pick up – and they’re all saying the same thing: “We’re going crazy cooped up in here with nothing to do!”
Buddy, I can’t relate to that at all! I am loving, loving the quarantine life. I’ve always been kind of a workaholic, a go-getter, always had to stay busy. You let old Joe get going, and he’ll work ’til he burns himself right out.
But after running in that rat race for so long, it is so refreshing to just wake up in the morning and not have anything in particular to do. Not a thing! Yeah, I felt kind of lost at first, but then Wednesday morning I cooked a big ol’ omelette with all the stuff I like – tomatoes, mushrooms, hot Italian sausage, heaps of cheese – and then spread out on the couch and took my sweet time, just munching till my belly button popped out. I thought, “Hey! A fella could get used to this!”
Since then, I’ve just been taking it easy. You know, I bought this huge house three years ago, but I feel like I’ve never really seen it before now. I get up in the morning, any time I like, and I just stroll around the house. Wander everywhere – even the places they told me I’m not supposed to go! Do a puzzle. Play a song on the piano. Pick a book off the shelf. I’m catching up on so many books I’ve been meaning to read over the years! The Plague, The Magic Mountain, The Road – great stuff!
I eat a great big lunch every day, and sometimes have a nice cold beer with it (don’t tell Jill!) while I read the paper. It’s fantastic, having enough time to actually read the paper, not just skim it for your picture next to the word “gaffe.” Today I saw that Trump fella froze mortgage foreclosures. Gosh isn’t that something! If only I’d known we could do that ten, eleven years ago when people were all losing their houses all over the place! I sent a text to Barack about it, he never got back to me.
In the afternoon I stroll down to the lake. Hadn’t even opened my tackle box in years, but I’ll be damned if my favorite pickaninny bobbers weren’t right there on top! Fishing is such a good thing to do during these stressful times. I cast that line out, and it’s like all those overstuffed hospitals and boarded-up businesses are on another planet. Sure is nice having a lakefront property so I can fish while still doing the social distancing thing. Because if there was one thing my doctors were clear on, it’s that older folk like me, or the people who vote for me, should not get close to other people right now.
Not for groceries, not to pay bills, not to vote! Not for nothing, Jack! Well, maybe to vote.
That grocery thing is gonna get you, too. I thought our house was pretty stocked up, but thanks to these big lunches it only took us two days until we had to send our staff out for supplies. Good folks, them! They really should be getting overtime or something. Our private nursing staff switched from doing their… usual stuff… to performing health checks on all the grocery and delivery people. Not gonna get Joe, you Oriental germ! Not today!
Yes sir, there’s nothing like a bit of work stoppage to lift some of that stress off your shoulders. Teach you to appreciate the things that are really important to you. I feel great. My hair’s growing back in on top, the blood vessels in my eyes have barely exploded, and, I don’t mind telling you, Jill’s talking about how much, should we say, vigor I have these days.
Quarantine is the best thing to happen to me in years!
They tell me I have to spend tomorrow on a bunch of stupid phone calls and I’m bummed out already. Can’t it wait?
What am I, running for President?
