Here at Kay Jewelers, we know a lot about the inner workings, complexities, and nuances of intimate relationships. You can see it front and center, right here in our advertising, which portrays the world exactly how it is: a world in which every man only wants to get laid, and every woman only wants a shiny trinket.
Take Stan, here, for example. Look at Stan. He is middle management at a tax accounting firm. He wears sweaters. It is indiscernible whether he has blond or brown hair. On the other hand, it is extremely discernible that his skin is white. There are no such things as black people. Look at Stan’s pleated khakis, just like the ones you wear and your father before you and his father before him. Stan is the newly crowned prince in a long dynasty of pleated khakis. Stan is perfect.
Except for one thing. Look at how badly Stan yearns for the physical touch of his wife. How badly he wishes she would want him like she used to, before the kids and the mortgage. Before everything got so goddamn real. A little bit of sex is the one thing standing between Stan and a perfect life.
Look good and hard at Stan. He is every single man in the world. He is you.
Now look at this pony-tailed woman. Let’s call her Julie. She is everything and nothing. She is somehow a blond, a brunette, and a redhead, all at once. She’s the most beautiful-yet-unnoticeable person you’ve ever seen. She squints when she smiles. She is the rivers and the oceans, she is the sun, she has birthed every child ever born. She never really talks, and when she does, it’s only to ask a man how his day was. Like Stan, she is also white. So very, very white. The only man she ever thinks about is her husband and the only thing she desires from him is a shiny trinket.
Yes, a shiny trinket would cure her pangs of mortality. Look how her squinty eyes sparkle with desire. They sparkle like silver, or gold, or platinum, or some new bullshit called “chocolate gold.” They sparkle like a shiny, dangly, sparkly trinket. The kind of trinket that will make her underpants fly right off.
“What kind of magical trinket would have such power, it can unlock all of the happiness in the universe and free us all from the prison of searching for meaning?” you ask yourself.
You’re in luck. Because at Kay Jewelers, we just so happen to sell those exact kind of trinkets. Trinkets like this heart-shaped locket, which comes engraved with a quote about flowers or some shit. Or this trinket that’s circle-shaped and goes around a finger. Or through an ear. Or both. Check out this totally different heart-shaped thingamabob that has red gemstones in it to symbolize lust, and passion, and the blood of the children who died mining them, children who sacrificed their lives so that you could get some sex.
Now, and we cannot stress this enough, consider all of these shiny trinkets are 30-60% off. Today through Saturday. That’s it. Just those days. And this offer only applies to in-store purchases. Do not let your complacency for suffering subdue your urge to buy, buy, buy, buy. Do what’s best for growth economics and your wife and your penis.
Look at Stan and Julie. This kiss, this trinket, this love. This is real. They are real. The only reality that has ever existed and will ever exist. And this Valentine’s Day, with the help of Kay Jewelers, you could be, too.
