Welcome to Starbucks, where we encourage you to try our Vanilla Sweet Cream Nitro Cold Brew, our Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino and especially our Almond Milk Honey Flat White Blonde Espresso.
Our handcrafted beverages, made by the finest sixteen-year-old baristas the world has ever seen, are fresh, refreshing and ethically sourced. Unfortunately for us though, they’re also naturally full of fiber and bound to give you that stimulating urge to defecate, making our job that much more difficult.
Instead of crafting the latest and greatest latte foam art, our baristas, who are also trained to misspell your name, now have to focus on ridding the bathrooms – and sometimes the entire cafe – of the foul stench that comes after several customers go number two. And really, we’re quite tired of it.
While studies show that coffee is great for clearing constipation, we encourage you to skip those studies and find a different route for cleaning out your colon. We know coffee is a natural laxative, but we really just don’t have the time to clean nor do we have the appropriate number of toilets in our store to serve you.
Admittedly, this is our fault. We should have known that by serving a natural laxative in drink form that we would have to deal with a large amount of people wanting to use our poorly designed bathrooms for public release. But there’s nothing we can do about that now.
And really, wouldn’t you rather do your duty in the comfort of your own home? Isn’t it awkward when old men and women and young children with small bladders wait impatiently, just outside the stall door, stomping their feet and raising a fuss, as you quietly and discretely try to push out your poo? There’s a reason we don’t play music in our bathrooms. We want the experience of using our toilets to be as awkward as possible.
So instead of motivating you to wait patiently in line as the guy or girl before you takes twenty to thirty minutes to do their business, we now urgently encourage you to use our drive-thru.
We’ve invested thousands of dollars on perfecting the drive-thru experience so that you, our beloved customer, can get your beverage and go… to your home, to your place of business, to anywhere but inside our store.
Hell, even our phone app is a great way to order your macchiatos, cappuccinos and Americanos on the go. And to encourage you even further, we’ve completely revamped our rewards system.
Instead of offering stars for every purchase of our delicious dishes or sweet brews, we now offer points for every time you don’t use our bathrooms.
Ordered a brew and left the store? One point. Ordered a beverage or food at the drive-thru? Two points. Ordered a coffee while on your birthday and did not use the bathroom? Three points! You can gain as many points as you can, but please, only if you hold your bowels!
We encourage you, our beloved customers, to take your bowel movements elsewhere so you can use your points to purchase T-shirts with such slogans as “I ordered Starbucks and took my shit elsewhere” or “Starbucks Bowel Survivor” or even “I survived the Starbucks Poopocalypse.”
And you should know, instead of running mining software on our WiFi to accumulate Bitcoin, we have now instructed our Tech and Innovation Department to invest in security alarms that automatically erase any accumulated reward points as soon as you open the door to any of our bathroom facilities. Just scored some of those sweet birthday points? Down the drain if you were even thinking of taking a shit.
You might be wondering why we even have bathrooms if we’re so adamant about discouraging about our customers from using them. Simply put, we have to. The U.S. government has made it mandatory for public corporations to include a toilet and stall door in restrooms. But that doesn’t mean we have to make it a pleasant experience, and so we haven’t.
We don’t say this to be mean or rude or to encourage you to buy coffee elsewhere. We say this only because we want you, our beloved customers, to take your literal shit elsewhere. But please, continue to enjoy our coffee!
