There are a lot of seemingly bogus fitness trends floating around these days. Self-improvement by adopting radical fitness regimes are being marketed at you every day from multilevel marketing schemes, self-help books, and trusted social media influencers. Some programs pride themselves on their complexity, integrating various fad diets with comprehensive exercise programs. Others tote a “single trick” to give you the body of your dreams.
It’s difficult to decipher if a program is legit or not. Which is why for the past six months I tested out a program of just doing a hundred pull-ups a day, every day. Since I started the program, I’ve lost twenty pounds, I’ve never felt better in my life, and the judge has granted me limited custody of my children.
Clearly these results speak for themselves.
A year ago, I hit rock bottom. I had lost most everything in a rocky divorce, was living out of my 2004 Kia Rio and had a body mass index of 34%. So when the judge gave full custody to my ex and told me I was “unfit to raise my children,” I knew I had to get my life together. Those words haunted me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I went to jail for stabbing my cocaine dealer. That’s when I knew I had to turn my life around and trade snorting crank for cranking out pull-ups.
At first, I could barely do five. Now not only can I “raise my children” over my head, I can do a set of eight pull-ups with my daughter Claire on my back. Looks like no one can say I am “unfit” to care for my children now because I am stone-cold ripped. I even have those protruding side back muscles like Bruce Lee did!
Not being able to see Claire and my little Tommy while I was in prison was hard. Almost as hard as those first days without any smack, but not nearly as hard as my abs became from the daily pull-ups. At first, it took me almost an entire day to get in a hundred reps. In those days when the prison guards would come to tell me my ex brought the kids for visitation, it was humiliating to say I had only gotten in thirty reps and I needed to stay in my cell and train. But if you stay on your grind and focus on your #goals, anything is possible. Soon I was doing all of my pull-ups in the visitation hour – while my kids watched!
When my sentence was over I was a new man. Cut like a greek god and ready to prove I am strong enough to take care of my family. The judge, who recently turned his gambling addiction around by joining SoulCycle, was sympathetic to my story. He had the bailiff bring out a pull-up bar so I could give him some tips on mastering the muscle-up. My ex-wife couldn’t even do two. Who’s the better parent now Sarah? Leaving my kids at that courtroom to post my first shirtless selfie announcing how I won back custody was the happiest day of my life.