Hello shamans, wellness bloggers, and white women who burn incense and call themselves witches,
We hope this newsletter finds you well! Us DIY pagans over at Goop are delighted to announce that in addition to our new charcoal-infused Skinny Cow Ice Cream™ enemas, a second exciting product is set to debut on the Goop sales list this coming October: Gwyneth Paltrón Wellness Tequila!
What on God’s receding-ly green Earth makes tequila a wellness product, you might ask? For the same reason Gwyneth has been able to build an empire of self proclaimed “good for you” products of low effectiveness and questionable safety – because people are gullible, American healthcare is a nightmare, and a rich person says it’s legit!!
Gwyneth has gone on and on about the dangers of toxins being everywhere: in your food, in your vagina, in your makeup, and probably in your stepson. Yet you know when toxins are a-okay? In your fricking wine glass, girlie, as denoted by the “cocktails” subsection of the website being just two lines above the “detox” section header. You’ve earned it. Motherhood is not motherhood unless you enjoy a nice bottle or two while your daughters Chamomilla and Gonorrhiannon do their homework.
But sometimes work is extra frustrating and your teenagers behave even more teenagery than usual, and you need something a little stronger than mommy juice while relaxing in your honeysuckle and uranium bath, which is why Gwyneth girl boss dreamed up new Gwyneth Paltrón Wellness Tequila.
Enjoy it on your own on a Tuesday night like the ethereal non-toxic diva that you are, or mix with alkaline rose water and pink Himalayan sea salt for a Goop girl’s margarita! After all, Gwyneth has stated in interviews that she drinks seven days a week, and she’s a non-nutrition-certified nutrition guru, and she would never steer you wrong for the sole sake of getting richer.
She’s doing it for the sake of getting richer AND because she’s a working mom and she DESERVES her alcohol and if she pushed it on you too then maybe it will feel like less of a personal problem.
We recommend drinking Gwyenth Paltrón whenever the craving strikes, even though you might sustain liver damage and/or accidentally drown in your bathtub. There is no wellness or health without #selfcare and taking time to rest, and there is no better way to escape from your bare-minimum expert of a husband and your kids requiring mothering than by drinking yourself into blissful oblivion and then throwing up all the toxins before taking them to school in the morning.
Now that’s what we call a detox! Same theory as our wide variety of enemas, really.
Look out for Gwyenth Paltrón Wellness Tequila hitting our website and liquor stores nationwide on October 1st. Because over here at Goop we believe wellness should be accessible to everyone, and there is no place more accessible than your local ABC Store.
