Good afternoon.
Yes, it’s me Science. I know what you’re thinking. “Eww! Science is a girl?!” Listen, if God can be a tall white dude with a flowing beard and affinity for bathrobes, why wouldn’t Science be a tiny Latina with an incredible pantsuit collection? Anyway, today I am standing here before you, all of humanity, because I have invented a new device that will revolutionize spinal cord surgery. It will heal all forms of nerve damage and even cure most forms of paralysis from the comfort of your home. It is by far one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in modern history.
I thought it was imperative that I address you in person because… I can’t believe it’s gotten to this point, but like, I’m really worried you’re just going to want to stick this thing up your butt.
I’m not kidding, the whole time I was inventing this incredible device I was like, “Yeah this is great and all, but is humanity just going to want to use it for some weird sex stuff in their butts?” I mean, look at what you do to literally every form of robotics I’ve ever given you.
SERIOUSLY, LEAVE THE ROOMBAS ALONE YOU NASTY-ASS FREAKS!!!
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just… I’m worried about you, humanity. I’m really starting to doubt if I can trust you with nice things. We don’t have the greatest history, you and me. Remember back in the day when I gave you special relativity? You created the atom bomb to eviscerate a huge portion of yourselves. Which, okay, that may have been my fault. Maybe you weren’t ready for all that jelly. You’re a young species. Who doesn’t make mistakes when they’re young, right? I get it.
But more recently I gave you the gift of electronic global communication and information sharing via the internet, and you broke that by turning it into a disgusting cesspool of trolls, creeps and crazy Nicolas Cage memes. Why wouldn’t I think you’d just stick this breakthrough right up your butt?
I can already see the headline: Florida Man Uses Revolutionary Device to Probe Dark Side of His Moon.
Listen, I’m not against butt stuff. I’m actually very pro-butt stuff, in fact. The human body is a very complex machine and every inch of it deserves to be explored – just not with this device, guys! Seriously! I put a lot of hard work into this thing! I genuinely want you to succeed and evolve as a species. I do. That’s why, against my better judgement, I’m willing to give you one more shot.
So here’s the deal:
*Deep breath*
This device has a long cylindrical shape in order to run up and down the entire spinal cord. It is not, under any circumstance, to be inserted into your butt! It vibrates and pulsates to generate enough electrical current in order to stimulate nerve endings and permanently relieve any pain, not to permanently pleasure your butthole!!
It is flexible and retractable in order to bend to the curvature of your spine and pinpoint any hyper-sensitive areas. It is not made to extend from your butt to… YOU KNOW WHAT?! I’m just going to need you to promise me you’re not going to stick this revolutionary piece of technology up your asshole, okay?
Do I really have to ask twice?!
Okay. Please don’t make me regret this…