Happy New Year! Have you set some far-fetched intentions, sure to be abandoned before the Ides of January? Are you failing at your New Year’s goals before you’ve even finished writing them?
Cut yourself a little slack. It turns out, New Year’s resolutions have existed for over 2,000 years, and it appears humanity hasn’t made any meaningful progress at being kinder, leaner, or more charitable. Let’s toast to schadenfreude and examine New Year’s resolution fails throughout time!
3000 BC: Babylonians promised their gods at the start of each new year they would repay debts and return borrowed objects. Most failed miserably, and thousands of donkeys were repossessed in the next millenia.
Late 1100s: Manspreading knights seated at the Round Table pledged to be more chivalrous at the beginning of each new year, but could never resist passing echoing gas inside their armor whenever peasant women were nearby. They then defended their actions by mansplaining and ultimately redefining chivalry as they saw fit.
1400s: The invention of the printing press resulted in the mass production and distribution of books. Society changed as people began socializing less and spending more time engrossed in written stories. A common New Year’s resolution was to cut back on “book time.” However, the bestseller Fortnight, a monk’s exposé detailing the most debauched two weeks in the life of St. Augustine, was too much of a temptation to resist.
1500s: England’s Henry VIII continually worked on his New Year’s resolutions to “spend more quality time with family.” The result? He executed two of his six wives.
1600s: After the first American Thanksgiving, colonists experienced holiday weight gain like never before. In the following years, many fad diets would be tried as resolutions, such as the half-month duck cleanse and the Jamestown Beach Diet. Though their weight yo-yo’d, early settlers remained a gluttonous bunch overall (have you SEEN the calorie count of a tempting swan pie??). Other failed New Year’s resolutions included trying to cut back on addictions to spirits, such as the ever-popular fermented peach juice (yum).
1700s: Tighter and weirder corsets were invented for women, and white fluffy wigs with ponytails were in vogue for men. Many American colonists resolved to become more fashionable, but most failed because trends took soooooo long to catch on in the United States due to the painfully slow reality of ship transport. Americans traveling eastward were mocked mercilessly about their appearances as soon as they stepped off their ships, prompting the world’s first hashtag, #IsThatShipADeLorean (passed person-to-person on scrolls).
1800s: A new focus on exercise inspired many to resolve to ride their new high-wheel bicycles every day for good health. Various injuries resulted to cyclists, pedestrians, and jet-lagged homing pigeons wandering cobblestone streets.
How’s that for inspiration? Now get back to working out, dieting, drinking more water, whatever you said you’d do and already forgot. Go! At least give it a good attempt for a few minutes. Here’s to a great 2019!
