I’m gonna cut right to it because the wolves are hungry and I gotta feed ‘em. Before y’all freak out (again), the wolves will not be set loose on the farm during the haunted hayride this year. The reason for that? Y’all bitched. But also, the unfortunate truth is wolves don’t necessarily make a place “haunted.” They just make it sorta unsafe. So in the name of doing Halloween proper, and because of some you have threatened another lawsuit, we’ve decided to make some changes to Aunt Lanson’s Haunted Halloween Hayride.
Changes are as follows:
1. No wolves on the farm during the hayride. Same rule changes from the past couple of years apply too, so no rattlesnakes either. I will, however, continue to make the rattling sound with my maracas, as it scares the bejesus out of the little ones. I will also have farmhands stationed around the farm howling like wolves. NOTE: THE HOWLS YOU WILL HEAR ARE NOT COMING FROM REAL WOLVES. IT IS THE FARMHANDS.
2. The farmhands will be dressed as wolves. They will be on all fours for the duration of the night’s hayrides. They will move faster than you expect farmhands to move on all fours, and their eyes will glow white in the dark. In general, the farmhands will seem A LOT like real wolves. NOTE: THE WOLVES YOU WILL SEE ARE NOT REAL WOLVES. IT IS THE FARMHANDS.
3. Currently hiring farmhands. Not a rule, just putting it out there.
Now, me and Aunt Lanson been thinking long and hard about what makes a place seem haunted, and we’ve come to a few conclusions. Wolves don’t do it. Neither do rattlesnakes. And even though it made sense at the time, keeping caged bear cubs in the bed of the truck in an attempt to draw out adult bears from the woods behind Aunt Lanson’s farm don’t spook so much as truly terrify.
All in all, we agree with those of you who came to us last year and said, “Aunt Lanson, the hayride ain’t haunted, it’s dangerous. And not in no trivial sort of way neither. Dangerous in a serious, life-threatening way.”
Y’all were right. Animals just ain’t strange! Which leads me to the next few rules.
4. No. More. Animals. That’s right. You folks bitched, and we listened. No more animals. You can all sleep easy knowing no bears or snakes or wolves gonna come barreling out of Aunt Lanson’s cornfields. You’re welcome.
5. Now. Introducing. Exorcisms. That’s right. You folks want haunted, we’re giving you haunted. This year, we’ve hired actual exorcists to perform actual exorcisms ON-SITE. Several of these exorcists come with absolutely glowing reviews. One of ‘em emailed Aunt Lanson personally, “…[everyone] has Demons within them, and all must be Purged. The People of the Hayride will bow to the Light. Everyone must be Cleansed.” I don’t know what that sounds like to y’all, but you know what it sounds like to me? Like these exorcists know how to make a performance personal! Each and every one of y’all gonna bow to the light! If that ain’t haunted, I dunno what is!
6. Real. Life. Freddie. Krueger. Ever heard of A Nightmare on Elm Street? What about Nightmares for the Rest of Your Life? Our very own Freddie Krueger, who we found through some real weird website Aunt Lanson’s grandson recommended to us, promises to scare the living daylights out of you for the rest of your whole dang life. He swears he can get in people’s dreams, chase ‘em around in the prisons of their own minds! Now how’s that for spooky?
7. Genu-ine devil swine. Now this one I never heard of until recently. But apparently there’s pigs that have been possessed by devils that can speak in tongues and cast all sorts of curses and what-not. They were a little expensive, but Aunt Lanson and I predict we are gonna get our money back this year and then some. We listened to market demands, as well as the demands of those of y’all who busted down my door last year in the middle of the night after that kid got eaten by the wolves, and we’re fulfilling ‘em. You want haunted? Nothing more haunted than devil swine. Besides paying for the pigs’ services, all they require is a “mortal blood sacrifice.” This is gonna be the best Halloween ever, y’all.
8. What’s more scary than a ghost? The answer: nothing. Ever since last year, the ghost of that stupid little kid that got eaten by wolves has been haunting me nonstop. Saying I’m the reason he died and that he’s gonna stay with me for the rest of my life. Well, being the shrewd businessman I am, I convinced him to work for us. He’s gonna be flying around spooking people during the hayride, as well as making sure I don’t set any wolves loose on the farm. And who said nothing good came out of last year’s wolf debacle?
9. Lastly. As some of you may know, Aunt Lanson was recently diagnosed with the scariest spook of ‘em all. Terminal illness. For those of you who don’t know, Aunt Lanson was diagnosed with being bit by a rattlesnake. The venom is slowly making its way through her blood. As a result, Aunt Lanson has had to make some quick decisions regarding the inheritance of her farm. It’s with a heavy, spook-centric heart that I say she has bequeathed the farm to me. And with it, the haunted hayride. She has given me permission to give it a new name, so without further ado, let me be the first to introduce you to Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Haunt!
NOTE: Aunt Lanson will be dead within the hour, but don’t fret, y’all. Everyone will have a chance to say their final goodbyes at the end of the hayride. Per her request, Aunt Lanson’s lifeless, venomed corpse will be lying in wait to spring out at you from the cornfields animatronics-style. The hayride will also be doubling as a funeral this upcoming Saturday.
I know y’all are going to really enjoy this year’s Halloween. And so long as nobody bitches, we* can do it again next year.
*those of us who make it out alive
Happy Halloween!
