As a seahorse, I didn’t really have to be reminded that there are plenty of fish in the sea. What were you trying to do, Pauly? Cheer me up? Maybe you weren’t trying to show me a silver lining – maybe what you were saying is there are way too many fish in the sea. After all, just because there’s a bunch of critters floating around in the Big Blue doesn’t mean a wave of loneliness can’t carry you away every now and then.
It’s not like you don’t sometimes think, There are forty trillion fish in the ocean and I’ll never love a single one. Not after Pauline. Maybe I should just swim to the edge, let high tide take me to shore. If that’s what you were trying to accomplish, great! Super. It worked.
You also said I should get back into dating. Okay. Sure. The thing about dating nowadays though, especially if you do it online, is no one is who they say they are. For example, sometimes you’re expecting a turtle, but get a tortoise. Sometimes you get a toad when you expected a frog. That gorgeous dolphin you hit it off with over text? A shark. Yeah, Pauly, a straight-up shark. Did that happen to me? No. But it could, if I took your stupid advice.
That’s what was so refreshing about you. You were yourself from the beginning.
On our first date, you told me, “I’m the most fucked up lobster you’ll ever meet. Hee hee, just kidding! No I’m not. Or am I? Seriously, I have issues.” That’s what attracted me the most – your honesty.
I know I’m not a big, sexy guy. I’m not the most masculine sea creature out there. Sometimes I refer to myself as a “wittle baby sea horsie,” when I make love. It is what it is.
You were able to communicate to me in an honest way that these things were all huge turn-offs. Communication, as you know, is key in relationships. Water-breathers have to talk not just about the things they like about each other, but the things they don’t.
Just maybe not, like, all the time. Because after a while, if all you’re hearing about are the things your S.O. doesn’t like about you, you can really start to feel like a piece of shit wittle sea horsie. Like your life isn’t worth anything; you probably should’ve been eaten in the egg like your brothers and sisters. Actually, you’re the laughingstock of the entire ocean, which is saying something, because apparently there’s just so many fish here.
Looking back on it, I think less communication might’ve worked better for us.
Just so we’re on the same page, I have taken lovers. Mostly shrimp, because that’s what I’m into these days and there’s so many of them, but there have been others. A starfish that keeps me warm during the occasional cold night. A squid I ink every now and then. An eel who makes me squeal. Who doesn’t like a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich? An octopus has eight ways to treat you right, if you know what I mean. And they’re small, but there’s really nothing like a good Netflix and krill. Blowholes? Don’t get me started. But lobster? Don’t have lobster too often. You know why? Because you can remove the shell, but you’ll never get close to those little suckers; fuck you, Pauline.
True love is all about commitment. But how do we do this when change is inevitable? For starters, we have to give each other the freedom to evolve. To try things. To fail. To make awful mistakes, like have your new boyfriend bring over the divorce papers. If I wasn’t a wittle baby sea horsie, Pauly, I’d be super mad about that right now.
But I’m keeping it all in perspective. Every relationship, no matter how it ends, leaves you with a lesson. Sometimes that lesson is, You need to figure out how to trust. Sometimes it’s, You need to be more confident in what you bring to the relationship, lest you continue to give away all of your power. Sometimes it’s, You’re going to die alone anyway, right? Who cares? The important thing is staying open to the lesson the universe is trying to teach you. You can’t say back, Me! Me cares! You have to say to yourself, Okay, that lobster’s gone, but you know what? There’s plenty of fish in the sea. And there’s also a hell of a lot of shrimp. Like, a scary amount of shrimp, actually. What are they planning?
Life is short. I can’t waste my time thinking about someone who betrayed me. I have to go out and get me something new. I think I deserve it.
