7 a.m. Wake up. All right! Another chance to bring joy to soulless workers at an all-day conference through the power of song. Let’s do this!
Song selection: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
8 a.m. At the convention center and the attendees are just filing in, many of whom left their families behind for the week and flew in on red eyes and just want a few hours back at the hotel to sleep. But it’s MY job to make sure they’re properly energized and that we kick off this company event right! Gotta pick the right track to let them know that this is only the beginning!
Song selection: “Let’s Get It Started” by The Black Eyed Peas
9 a.m. Break-out session. Forced bonding with the people these attendees are already spending too much time with, complete with trust falls and group bonding activities like sharing your secret celebrity crush. This is a very special, even sacred time. Have to be subtle with my choice here and let the magic naturally unfold.
Song selection: “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge
10 a.m. Morning snack! Everybody’s rushing the coffee station or standing in a long line for the bathroom. Inevitably, in all the hustle and bustle there’s at least one person who actually notices me, moving a little awkwardly to the music, and tapping the shoulders of their friends to remind them they indeed know this song too. “Karen, it’s too early for that,” they’ll say. “We need more coffee.” But be careful, Karen – don’t let those sweet dance moves sweep you too close to the piping hot giant coffee dispenser! I must warn her!
Song selection: “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats
11 a.m. Diversity panel! Wait, why are all these people in leadership positions white males? How can I do my part – as a lowly, corporate event DJ – to make these people see the light and #staywoke?
Song selection: “Despacito” by Luis Fonsi feat. Daddy Yankee
12 p.m. Lunch! Oh my goodness these people are animals. One piece of chicken PER PERSON, MICHAEL.
Song selection: “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran
3 p.m. New policy rollout that all these people will follow blindly because they are sheep.
Song selection: “Zombie” by The Cranberries
5 p.m. Happy hour! Sharon from accounting will inevitably drink too much wine. Hookups will happen. Eye contact will be avoided in the morning. These people will never work together in the same way again and will have to find new jobs.
Song selection: “Fly Away” by Lenny Kravitz
8 p.m. When you realize your other DJ friends are playing Coachella right now, repeat your personal mantra: Just because my path is winding doesn’t mean I’m lost.
Song selection: “It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay” by Whitney Houston
9 p.m. Why are there people still here? Why am I here? I want to burn this place down.
Song selection: “Firework” by Katy Perry
