Hello, middle-class parents of young children! If you’re in search of the hottest summer fun, look no further. Now that Donald Trump’s EPA has overturned the forty-two year ban on asbestos, we got so excited we went out and built an entire amusement park out of it!
It’s our pleasure to introduce: Mesotheliomaland! Come for the thrills, and leave with a cancerous layer of tissue eating away at your internal organs.
Back in 1976, Republican Gerald Ford had his EPA use “science” to find some Fake News that asbestos is really bad for you. Like, really, really, really, really bad. Luckily, Trump is making America great again by throwing science to the breeze. And in doing so, he’s also helping to make asbestos great again, too!
How are we feeling out there, people? Are you sick of winning yet? Because if you aren’t, just come to Mesotheliomaland. You’ll get so sick of winning, you’ll probably die before you ever receive your part of the settlement from the class-action lawsuit!
Here at Mesotheliomaland, we have all the bells and whistles of any great theme park. Rollercoasters, water slides, a pee-filled lazy river, and, of course, funnel cakes. The only difference is that everything is made entirely of asbestos.
Take our brand-new, high-speed coaster, the Tumor Zoomer. This rocket slings you up seven stories in the air, flips you through three inverted loops, and leaves you breathless! Literally. One ride on the Tumor Zoomer and the lining of your lungs will be so covered in toxic fibers, you won’t be able to breathe!
Cough all that up, and you’ll have one killer of an appetite. So head on over to the main concession stand, Malignant Marty’s, and see if you can survive our Terminal Sauce™ hot wings! They’ll have your mouth on fire! (And your stomach, and your heart, and your pancreas, and your kidneys, and your liver!)
Look, some liberal fancy-pants phonies out there might want you to believe that government oversight is “good.” That using proven science to benefit society is “smart.” That putting the lives of the public over corporate profit is “cool.” That getting mesothelioma is “bad.” But that’s just leftist mumbo-jumbo and you know it.
Here at Mesotheliomaland, we’re all about good, wholesome fun and bringing families together to inhale gobs of poisonous solids until you all catch the same fatal disease! And you tell us, is there anything more “together” than dying the exact same way? We didn’t think so.
Finally, don’t forget to visit our souvenir shop on the way out. You actually won’t need to purchase anything, because those tumors are going to stay with you forever!
