Fyre Camp
Campers will be treated to a grueling two-week immersive island-like experience dreamed up by rap artist and noted festival visionary, Ja Rule. No outside food or beverages are allowed. Fiji water bottles prices start at $20. Nightly shows include performances by descendants of C+C Music Factory, Mark Walhberg’s old band The Funky Bunch (minus Mark Wahlberg), and a second generation iPod.
Attendance at the camp includes exclusive access to Snapchat filters that allow you to Ratajkowski-ize or Kendall-ize yourself. Additionally, all campers are expected to sign a waiver agreeing to hold Ja Rule not liable before being admitted.
The Fan-pire Strikes Back! A Star Wars Camp
Kids of all ages will love this camp that’s dedicated to wicked takedowns of one of the most beloved movie franchises of all times. Campers will work with an esteemed group of troll counselors who will teach them the ways of forcing actors to abandon social media through unrelenting abuse.
In addition, there’ll be features like the Boba Fett Workshop, where campers will be trained to hunt down fresh bits of Star Wars news for the counselors to feast on and then complain about. A warning to parents, though: Punishment for misbehavior in this camp is severe. Campers that get into trouble will be forced to dress as The Last Jedi director Rian Johnson for the remainder of their session.
Camp Crystal Lake
A great choice if your kids don’t need supervision, because the counselors tend to be hard to locate. However, if your kids do find a counselor that is alive, they’ll learn a lot.
Classes taught by counselors include:
- How to Avoid Looking Over Your Shoulder
- Hiding Places (Other Than Closets)
- Tripping Over Tree Branches While Running Away
- Being Oblivious to Obvious Warning Signs From Creepy Locals
There’s also some good news for parents: Participation by grief-stricken parents who’ve lost a child in any previous summer at Camp Crystal Lake is welcomed.
Fortnite Camp
Campers play Fortnite from sunrise to sunset. Not that they’ll be able to tell because all camp accommodations are dimly lit so no one is ever sure what time it actually is.
Activities include Fortnite and other stuff – but the other stuff isn’t Fortnite so what’s the point?
MAGA Camp
No parents! No parents! No parents! This camp, inspired by recent events, allows campers to thrive and discover themselves free from any involvement by mother or father or any other family member.
Campers will live in a four-walled chain link room that definitely is not a cage and will totally remind campers of boarding school and not a jail. Additionally, they’ll have access to a color television, borrowed from the EPA, that only gets Fox News.
Campers are not allowed to leave the camp and rejoin their family until the nation comes to its senses.
Amazon Camp
Applications are still being accepted, but no location has been settled on yet.