WASHINGTON – Anticipating the ascension of their preferred presidential candidate to the chair of President of the United States of America, a cartoonish legion of grotesque monsters has descended upon Washington D.C. for Donald Trump’s inauguration.
The beasts, clad in “Make America Great Again” hats, mini-American flags draped over ear and horn, and the odd “Hillary for Prison” t-shirt are arriving steadily in the nation’s capital by car, plane and purple-tinted interdimensional vortexes.
“Oh, I can’t wait,” said Doras Mofatu, a 351-year-old Ukrainian vampire residing in Tulsa, Oklahoma. “I told my wife, I said, I’m not going to make this about race, but I’m just glad that I can look at the White House and see someone I can relate to again.
“I’m happy for my kids.”
The monsters are young and old, familiar and obscure, and are readily visible from most corners of the nation’s capital. One source mentioned that she saw Pinhead from the Hellraiser franchise sharing a beer with an unidentified wolfman at the popular Churchkey Bar in Logan Circle. Another source riding D.C. metro spotted what appeared to be a cheap rip-off of Slimer from Ghostbusters, having a rousing conversation with former Vice President Dick Cheney.
Make America Great Again
By and large, the monsters are here to support President-elect Donald Trump as he gets sworn in on January 20.
“I’ve been a fan of Trump since he got hip to the Barack Hussein Obama lie, back in 2012 or 2013,” said a decomposing mummy from Naples, Florida, referring to Trump’s previous obsessions with outgoing President Barack Obama’s birth record.
When asked what policies the mummy supports, the reanimated pile of human remains pointed at healthcare. “Look, you don’t like paying high premiums? Get a better job. Get one that will support you.
“This is America. Nothing’s stopping you.”
Others, like the cockroach alien from the original Men in Black film, were looking forward to a president uninhibited by environmental regulations.
“Global warming is natural,” said the two-story beast. “Completely natural — you can read it up, it’s actually cyclical — and it’s time we kill the lie in its path,” he said, mentioning that he “can’t wait” for a couple thousand coal jobs to rehabilitate West Virginia, where he currently resides in a house made out of feces and manure.
When asked about the potential repeal of the Endangered Species Act — a long-standing conservation tool benefitting threatened animals that Republicans say cuts into profits from logging and mining — the scaly monstrosity didn’t mince words.
“Times are tough, but if God wanted eagles to survive, why didn’t He make them smarter, then?
“Or give them thumbs.”
Entertainment Value
The inauguration ticket offers more than a glimpse at the future President; premium musical talent will be on hand to coronate Trump, including 3 Doors Down and Toby Keith.
The irony of the music is not lost on Bizarro, constant nemesis to Superman.
“Everybody looks at me, and they’re like… “oh, you’re probably just here for 3 Doors Down,” Superman’s polar opposite said. “Don’t get me wrong, “Kryptonite” is a great song. I know it’s old but I still work out to it from time to time.
“But I’m here for Trump. And I hear the Rockettes put on a nice show,” the literal opposite of good and virtuous said, referring to the world-famous dance troupe.
Music won’t be the only thing this wretched lot will enjoy. Families of mutants and monsters were seen wandering around the National Mall.
“This is my first time in D.C. I definitely want to come back” said the father of a Tolkien-esque orc family from Fresno, pausing for a selfie in front of the Washington Monument. “It’s been great. My kids have loved everything about it. Seeing things they’ve only read about…
“I guess it took a man like Donald Trump to make me appreciate what’s so wonderful about this country. Better late than never, right?”
Elsewhere at the Mall, a group of Nazi zombies were spotted selling Breitbart t-shirts, and mugs adorned with the face of incoming White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon.
Security Concerns
Given the President Elect’s irregular draw, many D.C. residents are pondering if added security is necessary.
“I don’t want to discriminate. We’re used to being the center of attention,” said Sarahbeth Noeth, 55, a Washington lifer and the general manager of two D.C.-based California Pizza Kitchens. “We get characters all the time.
“But [Richard] Nixon never drew crowds like this.”
“These are some real monsters,” said Sam Mason, a 31-year-old analyst at Cushman & Baker who was late to work because a marauding group of demonic jackals wouldn’t relinquish a busy Columbia Heights intersection. “Nobody was leaving their cars, the gridlock was awful. It took the police over 40 minutes to get them scattered.
“I mean, I can’t even blame the officers. What were they supposed to do?”
Still, some find the miscreations a welcome addition to the city.
“I’m just tired of this political correctness,” said a balding, middle-aged white man who referred to himself only by his Reddit name, WashWhite0. “That’s why I’m glad Trump is here. Trump, and these grotesque, hellish beasts. Trump isn’t gonna bite his tongue, not for anyone. And the same goes for these monsters.”
“Yeah, I don’t have a problem with them. Sorry, liberals!”
Resistance
By and large, the monsters in the capital are here to support the president-elect, but some aren’t sold yet.
“Look, I appreciate what he’s trying to do, but [Republican hopeful John] Kasich was my guy,” said Satan in-between bites of pizza at Comet Pizza, a local establishment known as the center of the “pizzagate” conspiracy. The dark lord and D.C. resident said that he understood why people would associate him with Trump, but stressed that he’s “more of a classical conservative.”
“We’ll see, I guess. I’m going to give him a shot, but I’ll say it now, I find his Twitter presence to be a bit much. He needs to reign it in a bit, be more professional. Still, anything better than Obama.”
When asked if he had an issue giving Comet Pizza his business, Satan was quick to point out that anybody “flailing to pin that conspiracy nonsense on this fine family establishment needs to grow up.
“This wasn’t supposed to be about the Internet, or Internet culture, [but] I think some of these conspiracy types have too much time on their hands. I am the actual devil. Believe me, I wish Comet had some devious underbelly. But they don’t, and I think these [Reddit] losers need to actually listen to the words coming out of their mouths. It’s absurd.
“I come here for two things: pizza and ping-pong.”
Other monsters arrived to join humans in protesting trump. A flying purple chimera the size of a school bus eagerly joined a group of protestors marching through the National Mall.
“A lot of people are surprised to see me in opposition to Trump, but it’s important that people know that not all monsters are in favor of this fascist,” said the ancient monster with wings of a dragon, two lions heads and a snake for a tail. The chimera, a Cincinnati resident whose name would take a human being two days to pronounce but who is referred to as Ashley by its human friends, hopes that people don’t get the wrong impression.
“I get it, I really do. Us monsters do things that, by human standards, are awful. But a lot of us, we just want to make a living, we just want to survive. We’re not doing it to make the world a worse place; it’s the only way we know,” Ashley said as it adjusted a sign with a devil-horned Trump. “But I can’t say the same about Trump.”
“Like, I’m a monster. But Donald Trump is a monster.”
