While I would have liked to join in on cheering for my home city’s team during the World Series, I’m unwilling to use such an offensive name. So let’s change it! Lots of people have suggested name ideas, including returning to old team names like the Lake Shores, Spiders, and Naps. Here are nine of my own suggestions:
1) Asshats: A temporary name that would function as self-flagellation for having such a racist name and logo for so many years. Excellent teamwear potential.
2) Goats: A group of goats, though most commonly referred to as a “herd,” can also be called a “tribe.” Anyone with a “Go Tribe!” tattoo will likely favor this option.
3) Indigoes: Vague color-based names are safe, fun, and pliable. Cleveland already has the Browns (great for poop jokes). I currently live in Tuscaloosa, where we have the Crimson Tide (great for period jokes). This option starts with “Indi-,” and it ends with “-go,” so it’s kind of like saying “Go Indians.” Plus, that “-go” has great end-rhyme and team chant potential, the simplest of which would be “GO GO INDIGOES!” Super catchy.
4) Indigo Buntings: Similar qualities to suggestion #3, but it’s a specific kind of bird that my parents really like, and also “bunting” is a thing you can do in baseball, so the logo could be a bird menacingly gripping a baseball bat.
5) Birthday Boys: Everyone loves a birthday boy! Free cake at every game!
6) Inkwells: Many famous writers have Cleveland roots, from historical literary figures like Langston Hughes, Charles Chesnutt, and Hart Crane, to famous contemporary writers like Toni Morrison, Connie Schultz, Hanne Blank, and Rita Dove. There’s an unusual concentration of prestigious poetry centers/presses in the area (at Cleveland State University, the University of Akron, and Kent State University), and also I’m a writer, so of course I’m going to suggest this.
7) Doggos, Pokemon, or whatever else has been going viral lately: This will surely bring all the hip young professionals to Cleveland. So long, brain drain (Note: “Brain Drains” is a potential backup option).
8) Sliders: No need to purchase a new mascot costume. Saves money. I also have a baseball signed by Slider in 1997, and maybe this would make the value of that ball go up. I might be biased here.
9) Toms: It’s hard to hate Tom Hanks, who is Cleveland’s most famous fan. They could paint all the baseballs to look like Wilson from Cast Away. Every time someone hits a home run, the announcer could yell “YOU’RE MY FAVORITE DEPUTY!” and every time someone strikes out, the announcer could yell “THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL.” This is clearly the best option.