To Whom It May Concern,
Please find attached my resume in response to the job listing on Farmjobs.com for a Hen House Guard. I believe my skills and experience are a perfect match for the position and I am eager to speak to you in person about the job and, in particular, to meet the chickens.
As my resume indicates, I have a wealth of experience in issues directly related to hen house security. I would go so far as to say I have been studying and analyzing hen house security since birth. That’s how passionate I am about these issues.
Also, I am a fox.
While hiring a fox to serve as hen house guard might seem counterintuitive, it really is a very strategic move. Think about it.
I have been carefully observing hen houses for years. Even more, my ability to excel and survive has been dependent on identifying flaws and loopholes in the hen house security apparatus and exploiting them for my own personal gain. And yes, I have taken advantage of these security failures – loose planks, missing boards, loose soil around the foundation – repeatedly and without an ounce of remorse. I have slaughtered and devoured many a chicken and they tasted fantastic. Each and every one of them.
However, despite my success and ravenous appetite for death and destruction, I suddenly feel compelled for some reason to switch sides and use my talents and experience to help those powerless individuals who are left vulnerable by an incompetent system. Yes, while I once saw chickens as merely a means to an end, anonymous nourishment for a hungry stomach, now, after digging a little deeper and learning about how much individual chickens are suffering, the only thing I want to do is help them thrive.
Now, you might be thinking, Doesn’t this seem a bit disingenuous? Can we really trust a fox to protect a hen house?
Normally you would be right to be concerned, but not in this particular case. Why? Because I am giving you my word right now that I can be trusted and that is enough. Period.
I can assure you that I have left all vestiges of self-interest behind. I am a fox of the chickens now. Sure, I have never showed any propensity to help anyone besides myself, let alone a lowly chicken, in my entire life, nor have I ever done anything that doesn’t directly enrich me or my family, but now I am ready. This is not something I ever wanted to do, but I feel like I must. I would have been more than happy to keep on raiding hen houses and fornicating with female foxes, but your hen house is a disaster and only I can fix it.
How will I fix it? I have many plans. The best plans that involve lots of good ideas and smartness. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific at this point because I don’t want the other predators to learn about my plans. But I can assure you that your chickens will be safer than they have ever been and much more prosperous.
As I mentioned above, I know how the bad guys think and how they operate. Yes, many of them are my friends and I have hunted alongside them for years, preying on the weak, but now I am committed to fighting them and I will never associate with them again nor will I do anything to help them in anyway. Unless, of course, some of them can help me fix the system by using their expertise to fix the flaws that we have all benefited from so greatly in the past. I am on the side of the chickens now. Really, all of us are. All the foxes. Actually, I will put together a team of the best and smartest foxes and all of us together will secure your hen house like you won’t believe. I just thought of that team idea right now, but it does sound great doesn’t it? All of us who have feasted on the broken system coming together to fix it so we can no longer enrich ourselves simply because we care so much for the chickens we used to terrorize.
It almost seems too good to be true, but it isn’t. Really, this one time it is totally believable. I am practically salivating at the thought of getting this job.
I look forward to speaking with you soon about this opportunity. You can reach me by phone or email. Alternatively, you can find me lurking outside your hen house, leering at your chickens suspiciously.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
The Fox in Your Hen House
