What a strange man! What hair! How old did you say he was? That is remarkable. I myself had died at 65 and here he is, 70, taking on leadership of such a large nation-state? He expects to live another eight years in power? Really? He should, I don’t know, jog or something? He is a remarkably old, old, man and his skin has unhealthy pallor for a leader. Has he been eating an all-carrot diet?
This castle he has constructed in this wonderful city-state of New York is something else, let me tell you. Straight up, it goes! Does he walk up and down the steps here? If so, maybe he doesn’t need the jogging.
His daughter is so young. Wait, that’s his wife? I thought the other one was his wife and was going to remark on her youth. They really could be sisters, you know, the wife and the daughter. Amazing. Stuff of tragedy, really.
I can’t help but marvel at this man or how he uses magic to make a little bird deliver brief pronouncements to his millions of followers. That is a fascinating power, friends. The birds follow his commands. Is he some sort of demigod? That would explain his wife.
Further, he must have fascinating soothsayers and oracles around him, with the best future-reading chicken entrails in order to make such bold decisions, pronouncements and reversals. For example, he convinces the people that he will prosecute and jail his evil political opponent and then, when he wins, he does nothing and says nothing about it more than, “I’ve changed my mind.” In fact, the very opponent he described publicly as a criminal he now calls “good” and “talented” and the very people who supported him in order to see her locked away seem fine with it. How did he know?
Then there is the issue of all his money and never paying taxes, which makes me think he must be the type of man who has a big maze with a minotaur hiding in it somewhere, if you know what I mean. You don’t know what I mean? Give me a break, I’m from the fifth century. I’m absolutely terrified by this strange world of yours. I went to Astoria for lunch and the food was strange and unfamiliar. Where is the goat sashimi? All I could get was cooked lamb. And so expensive!
All in all, I figure Trump will do. He has magical powers and seems to act as unpredictably and unaccountably as the leaders of our side of the Trojan War. I’d say, if you wanted an unconstrained monarch, you’ve done well for yourselves.
Peace out, as we used to say.