The internet was set ablaze Monday with a viral video of a man having sexual intercourse with his McDonald’s McChicken sandwich. People were horrified at the sight of the man banging the McChicken, likely as a diversionary tactic to mask their own carnal desire to fuck their favorite food.
Here at Robot Butt, we weren’t horrified by what we saw. No, we absolutely want to celebrate a man’s ability to openly share how he embodies the #LoveIsLove movement, but we do want to set the record straight on something: a McChicken is NOT the most fuckable food out there. Is most of McDonald’s menu inherently fuckable? Of course, but you’d be doing yourself a disservice by stopping there.
And to make this abundantly clear, we’re allowing our readers to help us set the record straight:
“If I was gonna have sex with food, it’s pretty clear to me what I would do. McChicken? Boring. French fries smothered in ketchup? I’m not impressed. A ham with a hole in the middle? Too cold. To me, this is an easy one: The answer is Thanksgiving dinner.
No, I don’t necessarily wanna bang turkey. It’s bony. Sometimes it still has tendons. It’s hazardous. But think about it once it’s on your plate…your plate on Thanksgiving has all the key features of food you wanna have sex with. It’s all warm, it’s smothered in gravy, it’s full of different textures – some slippery, some stuffing – and so much more. Furthermore, if you’re gonna have sex with your food, you might as well have leftovers that are wholly edible and haven’t been sullied by your seed, and Thanksgiving is the undisputed king of “more food than you can handle.” The way you feel after an extra tiring roll in the hay is roughly how you feel after Thanksgiving dinner anyway, so why not amplify by doing both?
You’re in control with Thanksgiving food. If it’s too hot, add cold cranberry sauce or the ambrosia your Aunt Cathy always brings. If it’s too cold or dry, boom – gravy. Too meaty? slop on the carrot-infused Jell-O dessert. The opportunities are really endless. Show that food just how thankful you are. Give those thanks. Strong.” – Kevin Nimpton, 31
“Pineapple is a treacherous road, but well worth it in the end.” – Brian Harlan, 42
“I am no longer a teen who will just stick his dick, no questions asked, into any food placed on the dinner table. You need a food that leaves you feeling better for having fucked it. Sure, I can go to town on a pot roast, but how long will it last before I am just smearing bits of meat all over the serving platter? How long can I fuck a Ho Ho before I am just simply masturbating with chocolate on my hands? This is why my preference is a simple honeydew melon with a dick-sized hole straight through the middle. It will keep its shape to completion, leave little mess and, if anything, your dick will come out smelling better than it went in.” – Kris Brainard, 20
“I fuck caviar before every awards ceremony I attend. ” – Hollywood actor (chose to remain anonymous)
“One of my fondest memories as a child is my mother baking fresh banana bread on the first Sunday of autumn, and the smell that would spread throughout the entire house, signaling to us all that it was time to run to the kitchen and grab a warm, delicious piece. And of my favorite memories as a young man is cutting a hole through the center of the banana bread, fucking it when it was still warm and had just the right consistency to hold together as I pumped, and then telling everyone that the dog ate it.” – Scott Dinwittles, 26
“You’d be surprised, but meatloaf is truly the most sensual food out there. It could be anything – meatloaf, a meatloaf sandwich, meatloaf leftovers, you know. And you don’t even have to fuck it right away. You can just take it to a movie or something, just enjoy your time with it too and get to know it to make the fucking more meaningful.” – Larry Louis, 56
“A family-sized tub of yogurt provides a consistently satisfying lubrication that makes me glad I don’t have anyone to share it with. I’d go broke buying the stuff!” – Tom Gardine, 40