NASHUA, N.H. – Camp Ben Gurion had reason to celebrate tonight after Scarsdale native Evan Schwartz victoriously emerged from behind the tennis supplies shed with Hannah Rubenstein, the so-called “Baddie from Newton South.” Campers were suspicious when the couple left Shabbat services to allegedly use the restroom, but officials have now confirmed that the two were getting intimate and Schwartz did, in fact, receive a handjob.
When reached for comment, Schwartz, who will star as Tevye in the upcoming camp production of Fiddler on the Roof, said he was “really excited” about it.
“It’s been a tough summer for Bunk 10,” said Schwartz, whose lasting erection was apparent through his mesh shorts. “Only three guys have gotten to second and four have kissed with tongue. J-Lev [Jason Levine] says he got head from a C.I.T., but we all think that’s a lie.”
Rubenstein, who is expected to be picked as a Color War Captain later this month, said she was “a little nervous” about the handjob but pleased with the final result.
When asked whether Schwartz returned the favor, he shuddered.
“Gross.”
Rubenstein was similarly disinterested. “At least for now,” she added.
This is the fifth hookup for Schwartz and Rubenstein, who have been dating since the 4th of July Carnival, and the first to involve hand. The couple attempted the act last Tuesday by the archery range but were thwarted when Bunk 4 Counselor Steve “Steeeeeeve” Nissenbaum had also come to the site holding what some are saying was a cigarette [story developing].
Bunkmate Daniel Katz said he was “definitely surprised” that Schwartz was awarded the first “handy” of the summer.
“He’s just not the first person you’d think of, you know? People were guessing David Greenbaum or Goosh [Alex Gold]. Maybe Jake Klein. But Schwartz? Total upset. People are gonna be talking about this for years.”
The momentousness of the occasion was not lost on Schwartz, who stifled tears for the duration of this interview. He sets a double record tonight as the first person to receive a handjob in his friend group from home.
“It’s definitely gonna be the first thing I text my friends when my parents bring my phone on visiting day.”
The couple has no current plans to advance beyond hand stuff, which they both agreed counts as third base. Schwartz is “really behind” on learning his lines and Rubenstein is focused on securing the bid for Color War Captain (hopefully Red Team).
When asked for final comment, Schwartz said, “I’d like to dedicate this to the little boy in Bunk 2 who never thought he’d get a handjob. If he could see me now…” Schwartz stopped, looking off into the sunset.
“I just consider myself lucky.”
“Very lucky,” Schwartz kept repeating as a distraction while he adjusted the waistband of his shorts.
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