It’s Christmas Eve. Bella and Jim have just arrived home from a half day at work. Bella is still removing her mittens when headlights appear in the window, blinding the two of them. A car is parked outside facing the house.
JIM: What the-?
BELLA: Shit. They’re really early.
JIM: Are we expecting anyone tonight? I thought your family was coming over in the morning.
[Bella sighs, then cheers up, leading Jim outside to see a champagne-colored Lexus LS 500 with a bow the size of a peacock on top.]
JIM: WHOA. A… beige… sedan. Is this-
BELLA: For you?! Yes!! Merry Christmas, honey!!!
[She jumps up and down while Jim stares at the car, not moving.]
JIM: Um, thanks. A Lexus?
BELLA: Yes! Just like the commercials!
JIM: Oh. Wow.
[He puts his hand to his head.]
BELLA [confused, frustrated]: Just “wow?”
JIM: Oh, I’m excited, it’s just-
BELLA: In the commercials, the person is always SUPER surprised.
JIM: Yeah, I am. VERY! It’s just-I have nowhere to store it.
BELLA: In the garage! I traded in your old Camry.
JIM: Um. Well, I- listen, Belle, I need to tell you something. But since I guess we’re opening gifts early, open this first…
[He gives her a small Tiffany’s bag.]
BELLA: Oh, Jim, wow!
[Bella opens the bag, then the box inside. She sees a diamond band ring.]
BELLA: It’s- it’s beautiful, Jim.
JIM: You like it!
BELLA: It’s nice.
JIM: Nice? Just “nice?”
BELLA: I love it, Jim, it’s just… how did you size it?
JIM: Oh, I just measured your wedding ring and figured that would work for your right ring finger too.
[Bella shows Jim her right hand wrapped in gauze. The ring finger is gone. Jim gasps.]
JIM: AAAGH! What the hell, Belle?!
BELLA: I sold my finger. For the Lexus.
JIM: [breathing heavily] YOU DID WHAT???? Sold your- to who??
BELLA: A guy on Craigslist.
JIM: What the- oh my God! For what? What does a Craigslist man use human fingers for?!
BELLA: I don’t know! Do I want to know?
[Jim vomits in the snow.]
BELLA: Hey, you don’t get to be sick. You’re not the one who just got a finger sawed off today in an alley behind a Denny’s!
JIM: Oh, God! Oh God oh God oh God!
BELLA: Jim, I love you so much. Why don’t we go take it for a drive?
JIM: You had a finger removed today and you want to go for a drive? I… don’t you need to rest? OH MY GOD! How can I get your finger back for you? This is so wrong!
BELLA: Okay, if you don’t feel like a drive you could at least put the Lexus in the garage. The salt truck is headed this way and we need to keep it nice.
JIM: I sold the garage.
BELLA: You WHAT? How?!
JIM: To buy the ring.
BELLA: What?! Wait, this ring was only worth the cost of our detached garage?
JIM: What do you mean ONLY WORTH? I THOUGHT YOU’D BE MORE EXCITED.
BELLA: I AM. IT’S JUST THAT I SOLD MY FINGER FOR YOUR GIFT, YOU CHEAP ASS!
JIM: I didn’t know body parts were in the mix of sellable items! I mean MY GOD! Who ARE you?
BELLA: SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU ENOUGH TO SACRIFICE A FINGER FOR YOUR HAPPINESS!
JIM: No one should ever love anyone that much! EVER!
[Jim and Bella break down crying in the snow. After a few minutes they calm.]
BELLA: The snow feels good on my bandage.
JIM: Yeah, shouldn’t you be icing that?
BELLA: I should be okay. I can get the ring re-sized for another finger.
JIM: I can buy a cover for the Lexus since it will sit outside.
BELLA: Wanna go for a drive and look at holiday lights?
JIM: You’re such a romantic. Let’s go.
