Oscar winner Leonardo DiCaprio’s neighbor went public yesterday with the shocking accusation that DiCaprio “looked at [her] weird one time,” causing all of her crops that season to wither in the fields.
When asked whether her crops’ unfortunate fate could have been due to last year’s unseasonably fickle weather, the neighbor (who has chosen to remain anonymous) said she was “pretty sure” that wasn’t it.
Experts are working hard to give DiCaprio’s aura a thorough sage cleansing, but if that doesn’t work, public hanging is always an option.
During a recent red carpet interview, after being prompted to talk a bit about the #MeToo movement and who he thought “was next on the chopping block,” actor Timothée Chalamet leaned forward confidentially and said, “Look, I didn’t want to say anything, but… between you and me… during filming for Call Me By Your Name, Armie [Hammer] would go off between takes and – how do I put this – read… books.”
When pressed on what kind of books Chalamet would see his co-star reading, he responded, “How should I know? I didn’t go check or anything. Just… seemed suspicious is all, I guess.”
It goes without saying that Armie Hammer is now sitting in a jail cell and is being counseled by many nuns.
Karen Jansen, 37, of Hickory, North Carolina, has publicly denounced actor Tom Selleck. Jansen claims that her recent miscarriage can be credited to watching an episode of Magnum, P.I. one time in which Magnum “spoke in tongues.”Jansen says that, although she was only eleven years old when she watched it, the episode “scarred her deeply,” and that “it was only a matter of time before it caught up [with her].”
Tom Selleck has spoken out in an attempt to defend himself, adamantly insisting that he was “speaking Vietnamese,” which he says was not out-of-the-ordinary or unusual for his character – a veteran of the Vietnam War – to do on the show.
Obviously, Tom Selleck is being kept under lock and key. The date of his burning at the stake has yet to be announced, but we’ll be keeping you posted. Stay tuned for updates.
Famed director Steven Spielberg has come forward to say that while filming his widely acclaimed 2017 film The Post, he would give actor Tom Hanks constructive criticism and direction, and would immediately afterward be struck with “innumerable ills.”
When asked what specific innumerable ills he was struck with immediately after directing Tom Hanks, Spielberg replied in a furtive, hoarse whisper, “Like, headaches and stuff.”
Needless to say, Tom Hanks is currently in protective custody, and his public stoning is set for a fortnight from today, thrice times over whence the crow flies.
In a shocking turn of events, it has been discovered that Tom Cruise has only been in five movies if you only count five of the movies he’s been in. It doesn’t take an expert to arrange Blu-ray copies of those five movies into a five pointed star shape on the floor and see a pentagram emerge. Cruise is currently undergoing his much-needed exorcism.